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Tuesday, July 25, 2017

  • Monday, July 17, 2017 4:00 PM
    I’m a loser. I lose everything. Most people lose golf balls on a course; I lose clubs. One time, I lost the golf cart. People lose their wallets; I lose my pants. Don’t ask. It’s a long story.
    My wife, Mary Ellen, agrees that I’m a loser. Like most people, I misplace things occasionally, but the problem is that my wife says I’m not very good looking. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. What she means is, I don’t look well. No, that’s wrong, too. I, I, I…wow, I’m even at a loss for words.
    I recently reported on the Wolfsies’ trip to Banff, in the Canadian Rockies, where I spent most of the time waiting in the car due to my bad knee. I managed to snap some great photos of my son, Brett, and Mary Ellen, as they headed out for a hike each morning, and I got some more scenic pics in the evenings when we were in the city having dinner.
    I’m a good photographer, but at the airport before our flight home, I started to lose focus. I put my digital camera in the large grey plastic tray to go through the scanner at security. Then I forgot to retrieve it when it exited the conveyor. When I went back five minutes later, it was gone. Yes, my Konica had been stolen, along with the pictures showing all the fun we had, although most of the photos were of Mary Ellen and Brett walking away from the car and heading off without me.
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  • Saturday, July 15, 2017 4:00 AM
    Hal Fryar passed away recently at age 90. If you don’t know who he is, maybe the name Harlow Hickenlooper will ring a bell. Harlow Hickenlooper is tough to say. Hal Fryar will be tough to forget. They are one in the same.
    Hal was the host of several children’s television shows in Indianapolis over his 43-year career, including a longtime gig on WFBM-TV (now WRTV-6) where he introduced Three Stooges movie shorts. In 1965, Fryar was cast in the original Three Stooges movie, The Outlaws Is Coming, playing the part of Johnny Ringo. In 2008, he was inducted into the Indiana Broadcast Pioneers Hall of Fame.
    Hal loved performing on live TV, a passion he and I shared. But there was a strain in our relationship—a mock competition between us. It began when Hal boasted that the Three Stooges hit him in the face with a pie, citing it as proof of his friendship with the trio.
    Not to be outdone, I proudly proclaimed that I had once been similarly victimized by the one and only Soupy Sales when he came to Indy to perform at Crackers Comedy Club. Soupy agreed to do a live WISH-TV shoot from his hotel. That morning, as we planned, I waited at the elevator until he exited to the lobby. I mentioned to Soupy how much older he looked. When a waiter walked by carrying a pie, Soupy nabbed it and smooshed it squarely in my face.
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  • Friday, July 07, 2017 4:00 AM
    I just returned from my brother’s wedding in New York City, and I am happy to report that things went off without a hitch . . . except for Peter. He got hitched for the first time, which was about the last thing I expected him to do at age 66. Mary Ellen and I stayed at my sister’s condo instead of a hotel, allowing us all to share memories and spend extra time together—but most importantly, saving us $500 a night.
    We were strolling along Sixth Avenue on Thursday, and I stopped to recall a favorite memory from when I was a kid. In that area of town once sat a Horn and Hardart Automat. It was, I always thought, the world’s biggest vending machine. Inside the restaurant was a giant wall that reminded me of the inside of an old post office. It was covered with hundreds of small compartments, each with shiny glass doors. Customers would put in coins, slide the door open and grab a serving of creamed spinach, Salisbury steak, meatloaf, roast chicken or fresh, hot apple pie. At one time, the slots only took nickels. I’m not old enough to remember back quite that far.
    Behind those little doors was a mammoth kitchen. If you negotiated your gaze just right and peered past the candied yams, you’d see dozens of bustling men and women in starched white uniforms sliding the cherry cobbler into the oven or basting the huge birds that would be roasted and made into turkey a la king.
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  • Friday, June 30, 2017 4:00 AM
    My home office is downstairs, which was just a cellar when we moved into the house 25 years ago. We invested a little money to fix it up, so then it became a basement. I guess you could call it a finished basement. But apparently it wasn’t finished, because the builder we hired said that for a few extra bucks he could add some decorative touches and then we could call it our lower level. We didn’t have “that” kind of money.
    Our original plan was to make it one, large, beautiful room where we could entertain guests, and sip white wine as we talked about good books and the current movie scene. But now, no humans are allowed downstairs except me and the men from Orkin.
    In the center of the room is a pool table that I bought in 1998 when I wanted to get my son interested in something other than video games. We have never completed a game of pool. I use the cue sticks to wrangle cobwebs from the ceiling. I can store a dozen suitcases under the base, and the top of the table is the perfect nesting area for a year’s supply of Bush’s baked beans. Each side pocket holds a flashlight. Corner pockets? Duct tape, scotch tape, masking tape and electrical tape. And my wife said we’d never use the thing. Geesh, what a pessimist.
    Somewhere under boxes of old paperback books and musty blankets is a futon, which we thought would be a cheap and convenient extra bed. It took three defensive linemen to negotiate the stairwell to get the thing down to the basement. I don’t know what the mattress is made of, but the cat sees the unit as a condo—two beds and a bath, if you know what I mean.
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  • Friday, June 23, 2017 4:00 AM
    I turned 70 this year. And so did a 10-year-old freckled little boy named Howdy Doody. For those too young to remember, The Howdy Doody Show debuted in 1947, its star a convivial wooden marionette whose human partner in the show, Buffalo Bob Smith, lived in my hometown of New Rochelle, New York.
    Each show had a story line featuring Bob and Howdy. Howdy’s voice was actually Bob Smith’s, which had been prerecorded. Within the show was a cast of characters, some human (like Chief Thunderthud and Princess SummerFallWinterSpring) along with several wood-be human marionettes like the grumpy Mr. Bluster and the polymorphous creature Flub-a-Dub, who comprised the characteristics of eight different animals.
    And there was Clarabell, the voiceless clown who communicated with two horns strapped to a box around his waist, one side labeled YES, the other NO. Clarabell uttered not a sound for 13 years until the final show, when he said, almost under his breath, “Goodbye, kids.” For trivia aficionados, Clarabell was played by three different actors. The first was Bob Keeshan, who later became Captain Kangaroo.
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  • Friday, June 16, 2017 4:00 AM
    Last week I had the honor of presenting to Carl Erskine the Heritage Place Award, given to six senior Hoosiers each year for their lifetime service to the Indianapolis community. For those who don’t recognize the name, Carl is a retired banker from Anderson, Indiana. He also previously pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers team that won their first—and only—World Series in l955.
    When I was a grade-schooler in New York, I feigned sleeping at night for six months of the year with a tiny transistor radio hidden under my pillow, praying for a home run by center fielder Duke Snider or another no-hitter by Carl (he had two). If you had told that nine-year-old kid in 1955 that his baseball hero would one day become not just a friend, but a golfing partner, he’d have thought you were nuts.
    Although it has been 62 years, my memory of Oct. 4, 1955, is clear. Even then I knew the majesty of those hallowed words: Seventh game of the World Series. This would have traditionally been a time for Dodger fans to wring their hands and prepare for the inevitable. Da Bums, as they were called, had faced the Yankees in what seemed like a hundred previous World Series games (four, actually) and lost every time. If the Dodgers hadn’t finally won in 1955, I probably wouldn’t be writing this story now. And giving Carl this award would not have felt quite so special.
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  • Friday, June 09, 2017 4:00 AM
    “Are you sitting down?” my sister asked, calling from New York.
    “I’m 70 years old,” I said. “It’s a pretty good bet that I am sitting any time you call.”
    “Well, you need to hear this. Our brother is about to do something a 66-year-old man seldom does at this point in his life.”
    I called out to my wife: “Mary Ellen, start packing. We’re going to New York for my brother’s Bar Mitzvah!”
    “No,” said Linda, “it’s even a little stranger than that. He’s decided to get married.”
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  • Friday, June 02, 2017 4:00 AM
    As soon as Mary Ellen made plans for our last vacation, I made an appointment with the orthopedist. My left knee was killing me and I didn't want to be a drag on our daily activities. My knee problem goes back to an old football injury in college. I was drunk and fell out of the stands during Homecoming. 
    When I arrived at my appointment, I asked why my former doctor had unexpectedly retired. The receptionist said he wanted to devote more time to running triathlons and skiing, which is really nice for him but for the patients who were scheduled for knee surgery, this is kind of rubbing it in. 
    My new doctor said he needed to take a few pictures of my knee. I told him that wouldn’t be necessary and showed him some great shots of myself in Bermuda shorts on my iPhone from our recent New Orleans trip. But X-rays were still required. They clearly showed the reason for my discomfort and surgery would be my only option for relief. 
    "Dick," said Dr. Estes, "I understand you and your wife are going on vacation. Not too strenuous, I hope, considering your knee."
    "She wants to go to Canada and go hiking."
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  • Friday, May 26, 2017 4:00 AM
    Despite being on TV in Indianapolis for almost 40 years, people constantly confuse me with other people with a similar name. Here are letters I have actually received in the mail or by email along with a few I just made up for fun. Can you guess which are which?
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  • Friday, May 19, 2017 12:17 AM
    There should be a law against having phone numbers that denote words instead of, well, numbers. Hello! It’s a phone number, not a phone word. I hosted a TV segment last week for a national organization that is dedicated to educating people about a common, but potentially serious, illness. Their phone number spells the name of the disease. 
    That makes the number easy to remember, but impossible to dial on your cell phone if you are in the car and have to watch the road, balance your coffee, and try to figure out where the PQRS button is.
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  • Friday, May 12, 2017 4:00 AM
    Mary Ellen went to a conference last week in Chicago and left me at home. Alone. When she abandoned me last year, I realized I did not know how to run the dishwasher or operate the convection oven. I felt guilty about all the dirty dishes she came home to, but I am really good with the clothes washer, so to make up for the mess in the kitchen, I went through Mary Ellen’s laundry basket and washed everything. I don’t know what she ate in Chicago, but when she got home two days later and took everything out of the dryer, nothing fit.
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  • Friday, May 05, 2017 4:00 AM
    Arriving in my mailbox today was the mid-spring edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog, packed with previously advertised items they still can’t unload (which I have probably made fun of in past columns), along with some brand new items I am about to skewer.
    On the cover is what HS calls a Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium. It contains two synthetic jellyfish that provide "mesmerizing ambience.” Really? Jellyfish use their tentacles to capture prey, emitting deadly toxins in a very painful sting. Maybe "mesmerizing ambience” was leftover copy from last year’s flop, The Teddy Bear Aquarium.
    Inside the cover is the customary introductory letter from their current chairman, John McArthur, welcoming you to his world of unique and unusual products. In the past, I chided him for opening remarks that were poorly expressed. Although Mr. McArthur does not have a gift for writing, he makes up for it with about 200 gifts in other areas, like inside the catalog. In his letter, Mr. McArthur reveals his favorite items: The Mosquito Zapping Light Bulb (page 10) and the Flameless Candle Lighter (page 55), but those nifty products are not on those pages. If HS can’t get their stuff on the right page, how, in two weeks, can they deliver your stuff on the right doorstep?
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  • Friday, April 28, 2017 4:00 AM
    Since my wife and I are semi-retired, we are taking more frequent vacations. When we travel, our favorite activities are parasailing, hang gliding, and whitewater rafting. But watching other people risk their lives has become a little stressful. We knew it was time for a change.
    We spent this past week in New Orleans with our friends John and Jane Murphy. We decided to forgo the extreme spectator sports and opt for some more intellectual and culinary activities. By the way, we did not go during Mardi Gras. As Yogi Berra once aptly noted in another context, “No one goes there that time of year: it's way too crowded.” We did go to a Mardi Gras museum. Mary Ellen and I don't usually like the same kinds of exhibits, but this museum was filled with the kind of stuff both men and women can both enjoy. Ironic, because in the thousands of photos displayed, you can't even tell the difference between the men and the women. 
    If you have any plans to visit the Crescent City, I submit the following warnings regarding the French Quarter, the hub of all tourist activity. 
    Cover charges: During one dinner, a three-piece combo played jazz. The restaurant tacked on a six-dollar cover charge per person for the music. “Wait a second,” I said to the server, “we came here to eat and talk. We didn’t even know about the music.”
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  • Friday, April 21, 2017 4:00 AM
    Remember Arshid Chowdhury? I wrote about him years ago when he invented something called a sleep pod, a high-tech structure that can still be seen in several airports around the country. Crawl into the enclosure, and you can catch 40 winks in the middle of the day for about 20 bucks, or about 50 cents a wink. (Before we all got so politically correct, I’d have made a funny joke about my reputation of innocently—and inexpensively—flirting with the ladies.)
    Chowdhury has enjoyed great financial success since I first wrote about him, despite problems in the beginning: many customers could not successfully nod off while nesting. Some travelers just stared into space with their eyes wide open, something most people can already do at their place of employment and actually get paid for it.
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  • Friday, April 14, 2017 4:00 AM
    We hear a lot about frivolous lawsuits, but we don’t hear nearly enough about the delicious ones, so here’s a tasty bit of gossip: A guy from Kentucky is suing the company that makes Oreo cookies. He asserts that Oreos are slowly killing him. So what’s the problem? This sounds like a fun way to die.
    It’s probably not the first-cookie related suit on record. I myself debated legal action against the Girl Scouts in the ’80s when I became addicted to Thin Mints. I’m not saying I bought too many boxes, but one year while I was at work, my wife was selling cookies back to the Girl Scouts at a substantial discount.
    The Nabisco company claims that 450 billion of these treats have been eaten in the last 100 years and no autopsy has ever listed the cause of death as Oreo cookies. Now that’s a record Nabisco can be proud of. I’m not sure the Slim Jim people can claim the same. A Slim Jim, by the way, is 98 percent fat, has no nutritional value whatsoever, and makes you want to drink a six-pack of beer. On second thought, let’s cut them some slack, also.
    I’ve been eating Oreo cookies for 65 years. I think we all know the ritual. You get a huge glass of cold milk, plus 20 or 30 Oreos, and then you start twisting them apart. Some people eat the side with cream frosting first; some just eat the frosting. Others start with the plain chocolate wafer. Some dip the cookie in milk; some guzzle the milk after the cookie. How can you sue a company that has given you so many wonderful options in your life? It’s un-American. 
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