In honor of April Fool's Day and Ohio governors
Monday, April 01, 2013 10:00 PM
I had a chance to speak with our still-new Governor, the honorable Mike Pence. He was attending a Hoosier State Press Association event coincidentally named the Governor's Reception. I was trying to get to the bar and he was between me and it. Just thought it was polite to say hi on the way by.
Truth to tell, Gov. Pence seems like a nice guy. Too early to say much one way or the other, or at least that's an opinion the Indianapolis Star and I seem to differ on.
However, I do want to offer some advice for the man. It may be an age of political correctness, but when somebody takes a poke at you, swing back. (It's a strategy that seems strangely missing when it comes to the U.S. and North Korea.)
To what am I referring? Ohio Gov. John Kasich. It seems the good governor from the Buckeye state has taken a few opportunities to land a jab or three at us Hoosiers. According to several published reports, Kasich was giving a speech and said, "This is not Indiana where you go to Indianapolis and then say, 'where else are we going to go? Gary.' I mean, if you think of Indiana, you've got Indianapolis, and then what? Terre Haute?"
Apparently our Governor's witty response was to point out that we consistently win the battle of fiscal responsibility and reform.
Seriously? That's our answer?
Come on, Gov. Pence. Fire those speechwriters. Hire somebody from Bob and Tom's staff. Surely we can come up with a better retort. "Fiscal responsibility and reform?" That's like your mom telling you to be the better person when some knucklehead is making fun of you in third grade.
Let's think. What does Ohio have to brag about? Cleveland? Columbus? Cincinnati? Actually, Kasich was quoted as saying "Young people like Cincinnati. It's a cool and happening place."
Right. College kids are shunning Ft. Lauderdale and Daytona Beach so they can spend spring break in Cincinnati. We've been to Cincinnati. "Cool and happening" it's not.
Ohio? Really? What's the only thing growing in Cleveland? The crime rate.
What do you call a good-looking girl in Cincinnati?
A visitor from Indiana.
Why do ducks fly upside down over Columbus?
There's nothing down there worth a crap.
Hear about the fire at the Ohio State University Library?
All 20 books were destroyed, but that's not the worst part. Eight of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
Somebody stop me!
Know how we know the toothbrush was invented in Ohio?
Anywhere else and it'd have been called a teethbrush.
What's a Buckeye fan do when they win the BCS national title?
Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.
I should stop before a couple of Ohio icons like Bob Knight and Woody Hayes throw a chair or a punch at me.
All due respect Gov. Pence, when your pal from Ohio is making fun of our cities, your response should not be that "Indiana is the best state in the Midwest to start a business, grow a business, and get a job."
Not unless that job is writing some one-liners for your next speech.
Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Tuesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.