Keep your chin up!
Sunday, July 27, 2014 10:00 PM
Surveys show that most people hate at least one part of their body. I'm not happy with my ears, for example. I think they stick out more than they should. My wife says I'm crazy and to be that obsessed with my own looks makes me appear very elfish. I think she meant selfish. Freud wasn't all wrong.
The other morning when I was shaving, I tilted my head down to look at my receding hairline. For a long time people asked me if I was losing my hair. Not really. I knew exactly where it was. In the sink. About 15 years ago, I had a hair transplant. A hair transplant is sort of like what happens when a person dies. "He's gone to a better place," people often say. That's the same with my hair. I don't have more hair, but what I had, the doctor put in a better place.
While looking in the mirror, I noticed a chin that I had not been aware of before. I was pretty happy with the two I already had. Fortunately, that very morning I saw something advertised on TV that gave me hope. It's called The Miracle Neck Slimmer, a device they claim was created by a world-renowned physiotherapist. I was all ears.
At first, I thought the contraption was a scam, but they said that the manufacturer guarantees a 68 percent reduction in neck wrinkles. I have achieved similar results by simply slinging my head back and looking straight up at the ceiling. The results are temporary, of course, and I have slammed into several doors, but it does work. Well, I think it works. It's hard to look in the mirror in that position.
The apparatus looks like one of those slap-and-chop gadgets you pound with the palm of your hand to pulverize a Vidalia onion. With the Miracle Neck Slimmer, you place the apparatus under your chin, then bob your head up and down like common poultry. Springs in the device create tension. It's like your neck and chin are getting a good workout on a tiny treadmill. You can see why I was hooked.
You also get a luxury faux-leather carrying case that has emblazoned on it: "Miracle Neck Slimmer", which I am sure got everyone who was sitting on the fence to whip out their MasterCards. But why would you want to advertise you made this purchase? It might as well say: AARP Gift Bag.
The enclosed DVD gives you precise directions on how to properly jog your skull
to and fro. It looked to me like someone auditioning to be a bobble-head doll or a back-up for the San Diego chicken. They also throw in an accelerator cream. I think it's an anti-aging lotion, but it could be an ointment to make your head go faster.
Finally, in the unlikely event you have resisted their sales pitch, they offer you a second Miracle Neck Slimmer for free. I had assumed that no matter how many chins I had, one device would be enough. Their website suggested the additional Slimmer would make an excellent gift to give to your spouse.
Gee, what could go wrong with that idea? "Mary Ellen, you know those luscious little neck wrinkles you have? Well, for just $19.95 plus shipping and handling..."
It's easier to see my extra chins, now. I had my head handed to me.
Dick Wolfsie is an author and a TV personality in addition to being a columnist. His books include "Mopey Dick: Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind," "Mornings with Barney" and "Indiana Curiosities: Quirky Characters, Roadside Oddities, and Other Offbeat Stuff ."