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home : columnists : dick wolfsie September 30, 2014


It's the end of the world as we it, so hunker down
The magazine Stay Alive is not a veiled attempt to rejuvenate the career of the '60s music group The Bee Gees. No, it is a periodical intended for people who are pretty darn sure that at some point in the near future they are going to have to hunker down with their immediate family, probably underground, for somewhere between 5 days and 25 years, hoping to avoid just about everything that can happen to you in a Tom Cruise movie.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Toy Story
Phyllis Baskerville of Fortville needs a home. She is not homeless, but she fears that her prized collection of antique toys will be someday.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Needing another coat!
My wife and I try as often as possible to engage in snappy repartee, often peppering each other with questions like these:
Monday, September 8, 2014
The joke's on Mary Ellen
Mary Ellen and I were at the opticians picking out a new pair of glasses for me that were a bit pricey. I often lose my specs, making such a purchase a poor investment. In addition, our beagle chews anything he can get his jaws on. I decided to share this problem with the salesperson. "You know, these are very nice, but I'm afraid Toby might chew them. Toby is..."

With that, my wife burst into laughter. "That's very funny," she said.

"What's funny?"

Monday, September 1, 2014
Wolfsie: Playing chicken
I'm a city boy, born and bred just outside of Manhattan. In fact, the phrase "born and bred" is the closest I've ever come to talking like a farmer. My wife and I went to the State Fair this summer and she spent a lot of time in the poultry barn looking at baby chicks, saying, "How cute," while I was out on the Midway looking at you-know-what on a stick, saying, "How delicious."
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Habitual behavior
Mary Ellen and I have been happy together for so long that we sometimes forget how much we annoy each other, so on the trip back home from our recent vacation, it was time catch up on our bad habits.

For example, I told Mary Ellen that she is a relentless pointer. She points at everything. "See that pretty house," she'll say, and then she points at it; or, look at that sunset (she points, like I don't know where the sun is); "Your turn signal is on," and then she directs her finger at the blinker. Really, is that necessary?

Monday, August 18, 2014
Keep your chin up!
Surveys show that most people hate at least one part of their body. I'm not happy with my ears, for example. I think they stick out more than they should. My wife says I'm crazy and to be that obsessed with my own looks makes me appear very elfish. I think she meant selfish. Freud wasn't all wrong.
Monday, July 28, 2014
What a trip!
My wife is planning a very exciting vacation to celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary. This was a big surprise to me. Not the vacation part, but the 35 years. I thought it was 34. Right now she is on the back porch, the patio table stacked high with books and brochures, notepad in hand, as she prepares for her next Internet search. She has made me look at photos and videos of Rome, Venice, Marseille and Monaco. I'm not sure why we are even going. I've already seen everything I want to see. Plus, I'm taking her to Olive Garden tonight. Are women ever satisfied?
Monday, July 21, 2014
Please go away
My wife is planning our summer vacation, which we will take in the fall. We took our spring vacation this summer. We got behind in 1984 and still haven't caught up. I don't have much input into the planning of these trips, but Mary Ellen did assign me an article to read in ShopSmart magazine:
Monday, July 14, 2014


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