The Paper of Montgomery Co. | Crawfordsville, IN
Home | Subscribe | The Paper | Contact Us

home : columnists : columnists August 28, 2014


3/22/2013 2:00:00 AM
Tooth be told . . .

By Dick Wolfsie
Life in a Nutshell


I'm not the kind of guy who sits in front of the TV all night and fiddles the remote control, jumping from station to station, failing to watch any particular show for more than a few minutes. No, I am not just another one of those guys. I am THE guy. Everyone else is a pretender to the throne, although I don't have a TV in mine. Some people don't have a remote idea about anything. No one has more remote ideas than I do.

So you can imagine how excited I was when I went to get my teeth cleaned the other day and my hygienist slapped a shiny black gadget in my hand, pointed to the TV, and stuck a probe into my gums. This was too good to be true. Imagine watching Law and Order while slightly sedated, meaning it's possible see a re-run for the fourth time and be surprised by the ending!

I fumbled with the remote, knowing that my wife could not chastise me for channel surfing; she could not castigate me for skipping right past Downton Abbey. I had, indeed, found heaven during a routine six-month visit to the dental office.

I flipped on the power switch, eager to see how many channels my dentist had subscribed to, wondering if he had opted for satellite, cable or dish. The man was a marketing genius. You can't learn this stuff in dental school.

The TV came on. I pressed menu and gazed at my choices. It must have been a new service; I was unfamiliar with the programming:

ROOT CANAL, TMJ, BRIDGES, IMPLANTS, TEETH WHITENING, TONGUE PIERCING, DENTURES

Oh joy! Channels I had never surfed, horizons I had never conquered, buttons I had never pushed. This was potentially more exciting than the Fish Bowl Channel or the Backgammon Channel. It almost...almost...made the Golf Channel look boring.

But there was more. Each channel had a submenu:

TEETH WHITENING

1. Symptoms

2. Diagnosis

3. Treatment

4. Prognosis

5. Payment

Movies within movies, stories within stories-a concept made popular by Shakespeare and reintroduced by Dr. Coleman of Noblesville, Indiana.

I clicked on 'Treatment.' Frightening close-ups of bad teeth filled the screen; visual effects crawled over the monitor, turning a horrid set of pearly grays into a string of chicklets so breathtaking I was eager to see who the cinematographer was.

More close-ups-so close, in fact, that I never discovered who the actors and actresses were, but I know a good plot when I see one: men and women who neglected their dental hygiene, destined to follow a path down the yellow-toothed road.

My session was almost over, time enough only to surf one more channel. I clicked on 'BRIDGES.' I prayed it wasn't some soppy love story about loneliness and isolation. No, it was not the Bridges of Madison County. It was the Bridges of Hamilton County. There it was, right on the screen:

Real people. Real stories. Fake teeth.

I dared not weep, for fear my tears would suggest over-sensitivity of the teeth rather than of the heart. As I started to get up from the chair, Dr. Coleman bounded into the room. "Dick, I just looked at your X-rays. You have a cavity in your right back molar. I'll need to fill it."

And so he did. Dr. Coleman is a wonderful dentist. He did a great job filling my cavity. I can't wait for the movie.



Dick Wolfsie appears weekdays on WISH-TV sharing his humor, stories and video essays. His column appears weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County.





Article Comment Submission Form
Please feel free to submit your comments.

Article comments are not posted immediately to the Web site. Each submission must be approved by the Web site editor, who may edit content for appropriateness. There may be a delay of 24-48 hours for any submission while the web site editor reviews and approves it.

Note: All information on this form is required. Your telephone number is for our use only, and will not be attached to your comment.
Submit an Article Comment
First Name:
Required
Last Name:
Required
Telephone:
Required
Email:
Required
Comment:
Required
Passcode:
Required
Anti-SPAM Passcode Click here to see a new mix of characters.
This is an anti-SPAM device. It is not case sensitive.
   


About The PaperWebcastAnnouncement FormsPhoto GalleryLife
The Paper of Montgomery County,
a division of Sagamore News Media

101 W. Main Street, Suite 300
P.O. Box 272
Crawfordsville, Indiana 47933
Main:
Classifieds:
Fax:
(765) 361-0100
(765) 361-8888
(765) 361-5901
Advertising:
Editorial:
(765) 361-0100
(765) 361-8888

Software © 1998-2014 1up! Software, All Rights Reserved
Advanced Search


Subscription Login
LOGIN | SUBSCRIBE

Home
Calendar
Announcement Forms
Closings and Delays
Photo Gallery
Classifieds
Webcast
Links
Montgomery Memories
Puzzles