If there’s something on the market that might make my life a little easier, you can bet I’m going to try it. My interest was piqued when I saw a product on Amazon called the EZ Cracker, which is a nifty little mechanism that (the manufacturer claims) takes all the work and mess out of cracking eggs.
I’ve always had a good relationship with eggs. I’m an over-easy kind of guy, and as a kid my basket always had the biggest haul on Easter morning. But now I was starting to worry. According to the website, breaking raw eggs on the sides of bowls and countertops has had some tragic consequences. Now, for a mere $17.95, I would get a product that guarantees I will never find eggshells in my food again.
Here’s how it works: You simply place the egg in this hand-held appliance and squeeze the handles. Before you know it, it has sliced the egg cleanly in half and deposited the liquid contents in a bowl, yolk intact. I’ll wait while you grab your credit card.
The ad says it will take all the drudgery out of making meals. For birthdays or anniversaries, men should give this gift idea some serious consideration. Isn’t your wife a little bit tired of chocolates and massage gift certificates?
As a bonus, there is a tiny spindle attached to this kitchen tool that you can insert into the raw egg, and after a bit of witchcraft, the egg is scrambled while it is still in the shell. Why is the newest iPad getting all the good PR?
The website listed testimonials from recent customers—real people whose lives of egg-cracking despair had led them to this once-in-a-lifetime purchasing opportunity. Some of the buyers were pleased, but many were carping about how the razor blade in the device meant it couldn’t double as a toy for their toddlers. I’m not a child psychologist, but Tickle Me Elmo seems like it would be a lot more fun.
Here’s another complaint: “I would love to give this five stars, but I find that it doesn’t work with free-roaming eggs.” Don’t eggs have to be stationary in order for the thing to operate properly? One customer said the EZ Cracker was “okay,” but that she probably wouldn’t order another one. Was she thinking of putting one in the extra bedroom?
For marketing purposes, Amazon wants you to know about other products that were purchased by the same people who bought the EZ Cracker. Many opted for the $5.99 Egg Yolky, a state-of-the-art device that divides the yellow from the white in order to make cholesterol-free dishes. I’m thinking that people too lazy to crack their own eggs are not real interested in a healthy diet.
Another purchase option for egg lovers is a round wire thingamajig that cuts the top off of soft-boiled eggs. One husband was angry his wife left it out where the kids could find it, because he thought it was her IUD. I wish I were making that up.
I’m going to stick to the old standard methods of food prep. What would Eggs Benedict be without a little crunch?
Dick Wolfsie appears weekdays on television sharing his humor, stories and video essays. His column appears weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@aol.com.