Dick Wolfsie - The Paper of Montgomery County
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Friday, February 26, 2021
  • The ban on columns making fun of my wife now lifted
    Friday, February 19, 2021 4:00 AM
    I told my wife the other day that the stress of writing a weekly newspaper column was getting to be too much for me. “Look, Mary Ellen, we have been pretty much stuck in the house for a year and there’s nothing left to write about. The other problem is that you put a stop to articles making fun of you. That really makes things more difficult.”
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  • Do you think he knows it’s a thing?
    Friday, February 12, 2021 4:00 AM
    A late-night talk-show host commented about the viral spread of the photo of Bernie Sanders wearing his mittens. “I wonder if Bernie knows it’s a thing,” said James Corden. Bernie probably isn’t the most social-media-savvy politician, so this meme could have appeared tens of thousands of times on the Internet before he learned of it.
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  • Tops should always be attached to Tupperware
    Friday, February 5, 2021 4:00 AM
    When you are stuck at home due to COVID, it creates opportunities to deal with household issues you wouldn’t normally have time to mess with. I spent a fair amount of time last weekend putting my books on my shelves in alphabetical order. The Dewey Decimal System was no longer working for me (Are you under 50? Please google it.)
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  • Stay humble and attack the ball before it attacks you
    Friday, January 29, 2021 4:00 AM
    It was Monday, April 8, 1974, and I decided to play hooky from school. No, I wasn’t a student; I was teaching a night course. The Atlanta Braves were playing a home game against the L.A. Dodgers. Henry Aaron had already hit his 714th home run to tie Babe Ruth’s record. I remember thinking that was the night Hammerin’ Hank was going to reach a goal many had once thought unachievable.
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  • Needing pest control for my new Apple Watch
    Friday, January 22, 2021 4:00 AM
    My brother-in-law Tom gave me a generous gift for Christmas, an Apple Watch Series 5. Tom is a techie kind of guy. He once worked at an Apple Genius Bar and got a promotion for thinking on the job. I once worked at a bar and was fired for drinking on the job.  
    Tom always wants the latest cutting-edge technical wizardry, which explains the six different air fryers in his kitchen.
    1 comment(s)
  • Floss, brush, spit and rinse? Or is it . . .
    Friday, January 15, 2021 4:00 AM
    I called my friend yesterday. “Hi, Bob, it’s Dick. I have a weird question to ask you. Mary Ellen and I disagree on what most people do. When you are finished brushing your teeth, do you rinse and spit or just spit?”
    “Geesh, Dick, I have never thought about that until now. I’ll call you back at the end of your column.”
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  • Arranging refrigerators, jackets and marriages
    Friday, January 8, 2021 4:00 AM
    When we got married and were planning our future, we decided one would be enough, although many of our friends had two. Two was never in our plans, but things happen. We ended up keeping the older one in the basement.
    Yes, we have two refrigerators. One in the kitchen, one on the lower level.
    0 comment(s)
  • I’m sorry did you say toffee . . . oh, you said coffee
    Friday, January 1, 2021 4:00 AM
    I’ve missed doing a number of things this past year. I used to love going to the movies with my wife, going out to dinner with my wife, and going food shopping WITHOUT my wife. She is meticulous about what she buys and spends more time squeezing a melon then I spend picking out a new car. When I did go with her to a grocery, she was judgmental about my choices.
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  • Trying to laugh off “the worst year ever”
    Friday, December 25, 2020 4:00 AM
    According to the cover of the December 14 edition of Time magazine, the year 2020 was “The Worst Year Ever.”
    Sad to say, there is a lot of truth in that for many of us, but I have sought for the last 50 weeks to find humor in a world that desperately needs some laughs. So, as I do every year at this time, here is a quick look back at a few of my most comment-generating columns of the past year. In this case, hindsight really is 2020. So, thanks to…
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  • Ruining the Christmas surprise, or just Christmas
    Friday, December 18, 2020 4:00 AM
    The first Christmas after Mary Ellen and I got married we discovered that we had a true cultural divide when it came to gift giving. In my family, Christmas gifts had to be a surprise. It was inappropriate to ask for something specific. Christmas morning was all about the anticipation of what you might be getting. It wasn’t what you necessarily wanted, but it was exciting.
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  • Space age problems we face in our everyday lives
    Friday, December 11, 2020 4:00 AM
    Desperate for something to do, I decided to clean out the storage closets in our basement. We have one filled with clothes, one chock-full of tools and lawn equipment and one that I simply have no idea how to describe the contents of because I just chuck stuff in there and never look inside. Out of sight, out of my mind (so to speak).
    0 comment(s)
  • Hunkered down and scared to death of each other
    Friday, December 4, 2020 4:00 AM
    My wife and I have been getting along so well during the pandemic, I don’t think we realize how unhappy we are. I don’t mean unhappy with each other; I mean antsy from being home all the time. We are more hunkered down now than we were in early summer. Mary Ellen has decided that with the increased COVID cases during the holidays, I should not be popping in and out of stores.
    0 comment(s)
  • Pizza in a Can and Christmas Dinner in a Can
    Friday, November 27, 2020 4:00 AM
    My son Brett has wisely chosen to bring his lunch to work every day, avoiding dining in restaurants during the pandemic. I asked him what he was taking to eat in his company’s breakroom, and his response was: frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I had never heard of these and bought a box out of curiosity (you have to defrost them first) and now I’m hooked on the stupid things. In fact, I have to hide them in the downstairs freezer behind the Healthy Choice dinners. If my wife finds out what I have been paying for this rip-off, she may never microwave anything good for me again.
    0 comment(s)
  • Wolfsies’ Thanksgiving without any thanks to 2020
    Friday, November 20, 2020 4:00 AM
    Thanksgiving will no doubt be different this year. I know there will be less weight gain at the Wolfsies’ because Mary Ellen is requiring that we put on our mask between every bite. That will slow down the time to consume the meal, which, according to my wife, results in less food intake. This is why I try to hide her holiday editions of Prevention magazine.
    0 comment(s)
  • Making a healthy choice, or covering an unhealthy one
    Friday, November 13, 2020 4:00 AM
    Every Sunday morning, we Zoom with our fellow church members. We begin by praying…that the link will work. I don’t like Zoom. I always fear I’ll end up in the center square, and I’m not as funny as Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares. Or worse, I’ll be in a bottom square and I’m not as good looking as the father on the Brady Bunch.
    0 comment(s)
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The Paper of Montgomery County,
a division of Sagamore News Media 
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