Dick Wolfsie - The Paper of Montgomery County
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Friday, May 14, 2021
  • Smart phone stuck in a perpetual comma
    Friday, May 14, 2021 4:00 AM
    It first happened about 10 years ago. Due to some programming glitch the comma on my smart phone stopped working.. Now almost a decade later the comma key is stuck but this time it’s on my desktop computer. Maybe it’s just a cracker crumb lodged in the key. I usually snack when I write my column but I am proud to say that all the food groups are represented.
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  • The mouse that roared in the Wolfsie house
    Friday, May 7, 2021 4:00 AM
    There was a mouse running around the Wolfsie kitchen. Then it was in the basement. Then in the storeroom. Angel, the cat, knows it. And my wife knows it. We’re just trying to hide it from the neighbors.
    We’ve had critter problems before in other homes, but there’s a big difference between having mice in your kitchen and having, let’s say, a woodchuck in your back yard.
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  • Research books and regrets for novice chess players
    Friday, April 30, 2021 4:00 AM
    As I shuffle along in my 75th year of life, I have a few regrets. First, I wish I had learned to be fluent in another language. Oh, I can get along in French and Spanish, but the reason I can get along in those languages is that I don’t know enough words to insult anybody.
    Another regret: I never learned to play chess. But as they say, it’s never too late to make a move. I got online to research books for novice chess players. There were several…dozen: Chess for Dummies, Chess for Idiots, Chess for Beginners, Beat Your Dad in Chess, and Chess for Toddlers, to name but a few.
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  • That was the week that wasn’t
    Friday, April 23, 2021 4:00 AM
    “Doesn’t it feel like Sunday?” asked Mary Ellen a couple of weeks ago.
    “Yes, come to think of it, it does seem like a Sunday, even though it’s Saturday. Why do you ask?”
    “Dick, it’s just less confusing if we both feel like it’s the same day, even though it’s the wrong day.” 
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  • Remembering a man with some serious animal magnetism
    Friday, April 16, 2021 4:00 AM
    “Who the heck is Jack Hanna?” I asked the staff during a TV production meeting in the fall of 1979.
    “He asked who the heck you were, too,” laughed my producer, who had booked the director of the Columbus Zoo as a guest on Columbus Alive, a television talk show I had been hosting from Ohio’s capital city for about a month.
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  • Dealing with anxiety and tooth delay
    Friday, April 2, 2021 4:00 AM
    Do you know what reentry anxiety is? Mary Ellen read about this condition in the news and asked if I thought I might have it. She explained that many people are nervous about returning to normal behaviors after being quarantined for a year. How exactly does one behave in a post-pandemic world?
    I googled the issue to get more information. According to the first webpage I landed on, virtually all astronauts suffer from this.
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  • Please don’t tell my other tibia about this
    Friday, March 26, 2021 4:00 AM
    I’ve always tried to treat my body with respect. However, there have been times when I looked down on my knees (or up, when I am doing sit-ups). Problems started back in college with a traumatic football injury. I was watching the homecoming game and my leg became wedged in the bleachers while I was trying to get a better look at one particular cheerleader.
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  • Present company included in new HS catalog
    Friday, March 19, 2021 4:00 AM
    The early spring edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog was in my mailbox, a signal that a middle spring supplement and a late spring supplement will arrive any day now. For those not familiar with the publication, it’s a century-old gift catalog that contains an array of hard-to-find (and often hard to find a use for) gifts. The first edition might still be in your dentist’s lobby.
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  • Hooking up your basic cable is half the fun
    Friday, March 12, 2021 4:00 AM
    We miss seeing others in person, but through the magic of Facetime and Zoom we have been able to keep in touch. Most of our friends have been similarly stuck at home, so there isn’t that much to talk about—except movies and TV shows.
    “Hi, Bob and Cathy, it’s Dick and Mary Ellen. Have you seen Your Honor with Bryan Cranston on Showtime? It’s great. Lots to think about.”
    “Sorry guys, we don’t get Showtime. But have you seen Frozen II on Disney+?”
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  • Working with and editing Dick Wolfsie
    Friday, March 5, 2021 4:00 AM
    This article was not written by Dick Wolfsie—it was written about Dick Wolfsie. He was having trouble coming up with something to write about this week after being housebound for a year. Humor is based on life and he apparently hasn’t had much of one lately.
    It’s hard to know whether he’s really tried to come up with a topic. Maybe he’s been busy compulsively popping bubble wrap and binge-watching VHS tapes of his old TV segments. I volunteered to be a guest columnist this week so he wouldn’t miss his deadline.
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  • Snow day meant pay day for Wolfsie
    Friday, February 26, 2021 4:00 AM
    Last week when the snowstorm hit, I was fortunate to have neighbors who knew that I had a bad knee, a bad back and a cardiologist on retainer. Paul and Eric shoveled our driveway and Noah (Eric’s 10-year-old son) somehow managed to maneuver the snowblower.
    As they finished up about 4:30 in the afternoon, I threw on a coat and went outside to thank them. “Wow,” said Paul, “you are still in your pajama bottoms. You haven’t gotten dressed yet?”
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  • The ban on columns making fun of my wife now lifted
    Friday, February 19, 2021 4:00 AM
    I told my wife the other day that the stress of writing a weekly newspaper column was getting to be too much for me. “Look, Mary Ellen, we have been pretty much stuck in the house for a year and there’s nothing left to write about. The other problem is that you put a stop to articles making fun of you. That really makes things more difficult.”
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  • Do you think he knows it’s a thing?
    Friday, February 12, 2021 4:00 AM
    A late-night talk-show host commented about the viral spread of the photo of Bernie Sanders wearing his mittens. “I wonder if Bernie knows it’s a thing,” said James Corden. Bernie probably isn’t the most social-media-savvy politician, so this meme could have appeared tens of thousands of times on the Internet before he learned of it.
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  • Tops should always be attached to Tupperware
    Friday, February 5, 2021 4:00 AM
    When you are stuck at home due to COVID, it creates opportunities to deal with household issues you wouldn’t normally have time to mess with. I spent a fair amount of time last weekend putting my books on my shelves in alphabetical order. The Dewey Decimal System was no longer working for me (Are you under 50? Please google it.)
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  • Stay humble and attack the ball before it attacks you
    Friday, January 29, 2021 4:00 AM
    It was Monday, April 8, 1974, and I decided to play hooky from school. No, I wasn’t a student; I was teaching a night course. The Atlanta Braves were playing a home game against the L.A. Dodgers. Henry Aaron had already hit his 714th home run to tie Babe Ruth’s record. I remember thinking that was the night Hammerin’ Hank was going to reach a goal many had once thought unachievable.
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The Paper of Montgomery County,
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