“You need to go to the doctor and have your hearing tested,” said my wife. “I’ve told you that a hundred times.”
“I only remembered 60,” but maybe I didn’t hear the other 40 suggestions. She claims I have been in complete denial about this for several years.
I decided to take a hearing test online. Participating in any test or medical questionnaire on the Web is always a mistake. Recently, I was not feeling well so I entered my symptoms: headache, fatigue, and dizziness. In seconds, I was provided 23 reasons I should be dead.
At one hearing test site, I was instructed to wear headphones and sit in a quiet room—which was easy enough. All the rooms in my house are very quiet, even the laundry room when I am doing the wash. Hmmm, that is a little peculiar, isn’t it?
When the test began, I was prompted to watch for a flashing light, then click on a green button if I heard a sound. I didn’t hear very much, but I clicked every single time because I started to realize this was just a scam to sell me a hearing aid, which I clearly don’t need. Sure enough, they called me 10 minutes after I finished.
“Mr. Wolfsie, thank you for your selection of the Republic Hearing Company.”
“Wait, the election? Isn’t that over? And I’m not a Republican: I’m a registered Democrat.”
“No, Sir, we are calling about the hearing test you just took online.”
I told the guy I knew the test wasn’t legit because I had heard every sound. Then he told me that he wasn’t calling to sell me anything, but he did want me to know that I had better hearing than his German Shepherd.
Finally, to please my wife I agreed to see a physician who specializes in hearing loss. My appointment is next week and they sent me a form to fill out.
A SIMPLE TEST TO SEE IF YOU MAY HAVE HEARING LOSS
This was in big, bold capital letters. Why were they yelling at me? I’m trying to determine if I’m hard of hearing, not hard of seeing…or comprehending. I tried to give an honest answer for each survey question . . .
1. Do others complain that you watch TV with the volume too high?
Every night, my wife comes into the bedroom while I'm watching The Late Show, looks at me and says, "I can't believe how loud this is." I know she is saying that because I can read lips.
2. Do you have to sit up front in church to understand the sermon?
First of all, I'm Jewish. When I was a kid in Hebrew school my hearing was perfect, but I still never had a clue what the rabbi was talking about.
3. Do you have difficulty understanding women?
If this is a criterion for hearing loss, I have been deaf for 70 years.
4: Can you hear people in another room?
No. That is the major reason I went into another room in the first place.
5: Do you sometimes hear ringing in your ears?
Thanks to the dog’s barking that follows, I know it means there is someone at the door.
My official visit with the doctor is next week. “Does he have a good reputation?” asked my wife.
“I have no idea,” I said. “I haven’t heard a thing.”
Dick Wolfsie appears weekdays on television sharing his humor, stories and video essays. His column appears weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@aol.com.