Like most guys, when I walk past a magazine rack, I can't help but stare. The day before Thanksgiving, I saw one cover that made me drool. There she was: perfectly proportioned, with golden skin and a great pair of legs. It was the best looking turkey I had ever seen.
The magazine was at Whole Foods, where the 2018 Thanksgiving edition of their own publication was on the shelves. Soon it will be the 2018 Christmas edition: same delicacies, just with a new title. The Thanksgiving meal is just like the Christmas meal…without the Amazon gift cards.
Inside the front cover is an introductory letter from…from…I don’t know who it’s from. It’s not signed, but there are two hashtags at the bottom. One says #Thanksgiving and the other is #MakesMeWhole. I accessed both Twitter locations where there were lots of holiday recipes, but none for turkey hash, which seems like a wasted pun opportunity.
The editor’s letter says the “Whole Foods company wants to make your feast the greatest ever, which is why we have mounds of potatoes…and more types of mushrooms than you can count.” Even after a couple of glasses of Merlot, I can still count to seven.
In the next paragraph, there is a description of the Whole Foods turkey as a ”bronzed, glistening show piece,” which piqued my interest once again. They went on to say the bird was “dry brined and organic,” which made me lose my appetite. They also claim their turkeys were “raised the right way,” which is more than you can say about the next-door neighbor’s children. Your own kids are perfect, of course.
The Whole Foods folks tell you to “expect applause” when the meal reaches the table. But they are selling the turkey fully cooked with all the sides already prepared. So what are your guests applauding—an accident-free trip to the store? Maybe your awesome defrosting and reheating?
Then comes the real stunner. Whole Foods adds, “…or maybe there is no turkey, at all…. Maybe the turkey is a stunning Romanesco cauliflower roast.” Well, so much for the applause.
Finally, they say, “You’re doing it right, however you Thanksgiving.” You can make cauliflower the main course and please the vegetarians, but when you make “Thanksgiving” a verb, you’ve displeased the grammarians.
Inside the magazine is a challenge to include people of all dietary persuasions at your holiday table. There are vegan meals, gluten-free sides, Keto sensitive, and Paleo choices. My suggestion is don’t invite all these people to the same dinner, or you’re bound to end up with a food fight. And vegans would be at a distinct disadvantage because no matter how al dente the veggies are, nothing makes a deadlier projectile than a big drumstick.
By the way, last year’s magazine had a special tip for carnivores from Seamus Mullen, an award-winning chef from one of New York’s finest eateries. Seamus says to throw the leftover meat from the less-popular parts, like legs and wings, into the food processor with some stuffing. Doesn’t the idea of a dark meat smoothie sound delish?
Dick Wolfsie appears weekdays on television sharing his humor, stories and video essays. His column appears weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at