Twas a few days before Christmas . . .
Years ago . . . OK, decades . . . I penned a parody of Clement Clarke Moore’s outstanding work, The Night Before Christmas. I was a young sports writer and had some fun with the three basketball coaches in Montgomery County at that time, Ron Henricks, Dwayne Rater and Mike Sorrell.
Every few years since then I try again. The coaches, who were gracious enough not to run me out of town after that first one, are no longer the topic. And after the last two years of pandemics, petty politics and finding out the Colts are the best running team in the NFL, except they pass pretty much most of the time . . . this seems the right time to do another one. Or, in Otter’s famous words from the literary classic film Animal House – “I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.” And to paraphrase future Sen. Bluto – I’m just the guy to do it. So, with apologies to Mr. Moore . . .
’Twas mid-week before Christmas, the country’s a dump
Another variant’s coming and oops, there goes Trump.
The House and the Senate were divided in two
Causing the voters to give them a boo!
The seniors were resting, secure at Ben Hur
On carpet from Zahn’s, as soft as the fur.
Franciscan and Witham took care of our health
While Tri-County and HHSB tended our wealth.
The lights they all twinkled and gave the children such glee,
Thanks to power, courtesy of C.E.L. and P!
There was Ma in her makeup from Betty Munro
And me in my blue jeans from RP, oh ho!
It’s been a long year, we’ve had friends go to rest
Powers & Priebe, Burkhart . . . Hunt are all the best.
The workers were busy keeping things real
At Dutcher, and Boots and don’t forget Nucor Steel.
We love Christmas Carols, in groups or alone
We hear them so well, thanks to Beltone.
Our cars are gassed up, our trucks never nervous
Thanks to the good folks at Pomps Sales and Service!
Of course we await our new Tempur Sealy
Thanks to John Frey and friends; they made a good deal-y
(OK, sorry – that was a stretch!)
They’ll be buying new houses from Greg Morrison and more
Insuring it all with FB’s Terresa or Derrick at Clore.
If jewelry the thing you have in store,
Head over to Market and friendly folks at Moore.
The day had been long, I was tired and wore out.
But a noise from outside sounded like a shout.
I sprang (well, OK, I slowly got up) from my chair to see what was the clamour
And out on my lawn stood giant John Hammer!
Bigger than any man, the patriot stood
With more like him the USA is good.
His neck is all red, his heart red white and blue
His hands are like hams and strong they are too.
I don’t care about Brandon or Biden or Trump
You can keep McConnell, Pelosi and Stump.
They all act the same, they’re in it for themselves.
They’re beyond being saved by Santa and Elves.
In a flash he was gone as I looked all around.
And suddenly he was beside me with nairy a sound.
I fear for our country, I dread it the worst.
Unless we can change, you heard it here first.
John Kennedy said to give more than you take
Treasure the flag or get out for Pete’s sake.
It’s Christmas which means remember the manger.
But we seem to forget and that’s the real danger.
The issue is not black, white and / or brown.
It’s not where you live or what part of town.
It’s not what you believe whatever your creed.
The issue is our country, that’s really in need.
He turned and he stared, my heart skipped a beat.
And slowly he turned, this next part is neat.
As big as he was then suddenly he was gone.
I looked in the yard he was out on the lawn.
I heard him yell out, calling adieu . . .
I’ll tell you what we all need to do,
Remember that flag, the red, white and blue.
Stand for what’s right and don’t put up with no wrong.
Then proud we’ll all be, maybe even in song.
This country is ours, on that there’s no fuss.
So long as we care, it’s all up to us.
Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Wednesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.