Butch Flunks Home Repair And Laundry

I know several fellows who have a natural talent for repairing just about anything, whether it be electrical, plumbing, woodworking, or various other problems that may arise at home. They don’t call a repairman…No, they do it themselves and save a lot of money, too.

Well, folks, I am not as fortunate. Yes, I have been blessed with a few talents, but home repair is not my cup of tea. I found this out early on shortly after my wife and I moved into our first house. She decided that we needed a new toilet seat. I thought the original wooden one was fine and dandy, even though it had a slight crack in it, but since a replacement cost only $5.00 at K-Mart, I gave in to the little woman’s request. After all, how hard could it be to replace a toilet seat? Just two bolts holding it on…

With wrench in hand, I began the job of removing the old seat. The bolts were a little rusty-looking, but hey, no problem. The first one took some effort, but bingo!…bolt nut removed. The second one was going to take a tad more muscle. I pulled and pulled with the wrench…no luck. One mighty effort would be required. Well, that did it alright. I pulled so hard that the entire right side of the porcelain toilet bowl cracked and broke off clear down to the floor! I stood there in stunned disbelief. That $5.00 toilet seat cost me nearly $200, as I had a plumber install a new toilet…and we had to replace the bathroom carpet. I swore right then and there that if a toilet seat ever developed a slight crack in it, I would not buy another. That’s was Duct-tape is for, isn’t it?

I absolutely cannot do anything electrical. I know nothing about it, and would likely electrocute myself. As far as woodworking, I usually try to finish a repair job too quickly, and end up hitting my thumb with the hammer or receiving a gash with the saw. I am amazed that I still have ten fingers. I also hurry when I’m painting, and I actually painted our entire house one time by hand in four hours. Record time!…and record amount of paint dribbled on the foundation, lawn, and my blue jeans!

When my wife suggests that something needs to be repaired…or touched up…or replaced, etc., I have developed a great talent of immediately coming up with a somewhat valid reason of why I cannot do it. “I’ll get it done sometime…now is not a good time. It will have to wait.” Then I pray that perhaps she will change her mind, forget the idea…or better yet, completely give up on me and not mention it again.

Housekeeping duties are not on my agenda either. Honestly…what man enjoys sweeping, dusting, washing dishes, mopping the floors, doing the laundry, and all of the other assorted tasks? However, one afternoon, I was a true blue dedicated house husband. My wife was headed to work, and I happened to have a day off. She asked me if I could wash a load of clothes. Now, I swear to God, I had never done the laundry in the fifty years we had been married…or anytime before that. But hey, I was a college graduate…I could surely figure it out. She left, and I looked over the washer, trying to decide what knob to turn and which setting to place it on. After about five minutes, with the clothes safely inside the washer, I must have done something right, as it started up and began filling with water. I headed to the living room and waited for the Maytag to do its job. I had done it! Then I thought…what the heck…I might as well dry the clothes. I placed them in the dryer, turned the dial, pushed a button…it worked! I checked on the clothes 15 minutes later…still a little wet. No problem…set it again for another 15 minutes…all dry! Now I was really going to surprise my wife. I decided to go all out and fold all of the clothes, and place them nice and neat on the kitchen table…ready to be put away. She will not believe it!

That afternoon, when the little lady arrived home, she walked into the kitchen and was amazed. “You washed the clothes, dried them, and even folded them?”….”Yes, dear, aren’t you proud of me?” My wife held up a towel, smelled it, and gave me a funny look. “Did you put soap in the washer?”

“Oops!”

She washed the clothes all over again. That was the first and last time I ever did the laundry. I am not disappointed. Later that evening, she said my laundry skills reminded her of her dad’s cooking skills. One time, he informed the family that he would prepare breakfast…bacon and eggs. When everyone tasted the eggs he had fried, they noticed an unusual flavor. Instead of using cooking oil, he had fried the eggs in maple syrup!

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.