Biden or Trump? Butch’s Dog Will Vote!!!
By: John “Butch” Dale
A friend of mine recently commented that he just could not understand why people voted for Joe Biden. I replied that Democrats wonder why people voted for Donald Trump. One would hope that people vote based on reliable sources of objective information. But according to extensive research, deciding how to vote is rarely based on factual knowledge. It is primarily based on your parents’ political affiliation, groups ties, race, and socio-economic status…along with insecurities, fears, and dislike for the opposing candidate. Chances are you also practice “selective exposure,” seeking out only the news sources and opinions in which you agree.
We have had some outstanding Presidents in our history, but American voters have also elected some real losers. Presidential elections today are influenced not only by big money, but also by big tech, the news media, corporations, lobbyists, and corrupt election officials. And let’s face it, hundreds of thousands of citizens are too dumb to vote rationally. It’s time for change. Let’s elect our next President in fun ways! Here are some ideas….
(1) “THE PRESIDENTIAL GONG SHOW”…Remember when the “Gong Show” appeared on TV in the 70’s? Chuck Barris was the host, with three celebrity comedians as judges. The show was a competition of amateur performers of dubious talent. Since most politicians today also have dubious talent, it will work out great! Our new hosts will be Pat Sajak and Vanna White. The judges will be Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Tina Fey. Each candidate will be given one minute to present his ideas on how he will lead our country. The judges will score each one on a scale of 0 to 10…or if they are particularly bad, a judge could signal Vanna to strike the GONG, which results in instant elimination. The candidate with the highest score becomes our next President and wins a $25 gift card to Wal-Mart and a $5 discount coupon at Bath & Body Works.
(2) “ELECTION DAY DUEL”…Hey, if it was good enough for Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, then it’s good enough for Trump and Biden. They will be taken out to a desolate, God-forsaken area, such as San Francisco, and be given black-powder pistols. Back to back, step 25 paces, turn around, and fire! The survivor is our new President. This could also be on pay-for-view to help pay off our $33 trillion deficit. It will be the best drama show on TV…even better than “Yellowstone.” We could even expand this to include Congressional elections. I’m lovin’ it!
(3) “WWF PRESIDENTIAL CHALLENGE”…Sponsored by the World Wrestling Federation, the performers will be “Sniffin’ Hair Biden,” ” Macho Man Trump,” Honky Tonk Haley,” Rowdy Ramaswamy,” “Strike Force DeSantis,” “Chris the Whopper Christie,” “Pouncin’ Kid Pence,” and “Tim the Savage Scott.” Championship wrestling is all fake acting, so these candidates will fit right in!
(4) “NEWS MEDIA GLADIATOR CONTEST”…This event will be held in the ancient Colosseum in Rome, Italy. No Presidental candidates…just the major news media people who always argue and disagree. Let them fight it out in the arena…Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Mark Levin, Lester Holt, Harris Faulkner, Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon, Tucker Carlson, Anderson Cooper, Robin Roberts, Rachel Maddow, and George Stephanopolous. In fact, while we’re at it, let’s also include everyone on “The View.” Each will be supplied with a sword, 3-pronged trident, and a metal net. For looks, we will also give each one a decorative helmet, adorned with feathers and their news media logo. We can sell hot dogs, pretzels, and beer to the crowd. Last one living wins…and he can select the next President!
(5) “OLLIE’S ELECTION” …Since politics has gone to the dogs, it’s time to let my dog Ollie choose our next President. Ollie is smart. He understands people and can read their minds. He knows who he can trust. Place each candidate in front of Ollie and let him give a 3-minute speech. If Ollie tilts his head and perks up his ears, then he likes what he is hearing. If he then opens his mouth with his tongue hanging out, and wags his tail, then he trusts the candidate. Now, if Ollie bares his teeth, stiffens up, and growls…with his tail curled up and the hair on back raised…then he knows the candidate is a phony. Of course, it will also be necessary to let Ollie circle each person, and smell their hind quarters. If Ollie raises his leg and pees on the person, that candidate is out. If the candidate passes this “sniff test” and Ollie lets him rub his tummy, he wins. “Good boy, Ollie, here’s your treat!”
Each of these new election methods would certainly be better than what we are doing now. And we can perhaps get shed of some nasty, irritating people along the way. It’s a win-win!
-John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.