Bubba ‘Celebrates’ Halloween
By: Tim Timmons
EDITOR’S NOTE: In the spirit of the season, we are sharing a popular Timmons column about his friend Bubba and Halloween.
Got to admit, I’m not crazy about the recent turn to cold weather. As I get older I really like warm weather. I hate to admit that – the part about getting older, I mean.
I especially dislike cold temps at Halloween. It’s fun to watch kids, young and old, get into the spirit (no pun intended) of the season. Cold and crappy weather tend to put a lid on the fun, know what I mean?
At least that’s what I was thinking sitting here at the World Wide Headquarters of our little media empire when the phone snapped me back to attention.
“The Paper, Timmons.”
“This here’s the operator. Would you accept a ghoul to gobblin collect call from Sammy Terry?”
This here? Ghoul to gobblin? Sammy Terry? This could only be . . .
For folks who don’t know Bubba Castiron, he introduced himself a few years ago. He’s not a bad guy but he would lose a debate with a bar of soap.
“Aww heck, Timmons. How’d you know it was me? I figured this being Halloween and all I’d get you with the fake operator gag.”
“Nice try, Bubba but I don’t even know if they do collect calls any more. And besides, Bob Carter passed away a few years ago.”
“Carter. Bob Carter, Bubba. He was Sammy Terry.”
“No, no, no, no,” Bubba yelled. “Sammy Terry was Sammy Terry! I grew up watching him every week on Channel 4. Don’t be telling me that he was named Bob. I know a real ghoul when I see one.”
Sometimes it’s just easier to not argue with Bubba.
“Listen Bubba, I’m kind of busy here. What can I do for you?”
“Well sir, seeing hows today’s Halloween, I thought I’d tell you what happened to me this weekend because it’s the spookiest, downright scariest thing I ever done seen in my entire life.”
I didn’t say anything. At this point Bubba was going to tell me some cockamamie story whether I wanted to hear it or not. I figured I’d just get this over with asap.
“Timmons, you there?”
“Yes, Bubba. Tell me what happened.”
“Well, I was out somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I think we were going toward Colfax, or maybe it was Bowers. Shoot, I’m not sure. But ol’ Bessie died again and-”
“Well yeah. It’s a real old Ford and I figured it was made way before the F-150s so I’ve always called it a F-75.”
Sigh. “Go on, Bubba.”
“Well, it was just a pouring down. I mean the kind of rain where you can’t see more than a few feet in front of you. If it was raining any harder, Noah woulda come out of retirement. But Bessie wasn’t going anywhere and I done forgot my cell phone back at the house so I knew I was going to have to walk. So I climbed out and started walking. I hadn’t got very far when I saw this car coming toward me, real slow like. I was so excited and it was raining so danged hard that I didn’t even bother trying to flag it down, I just ran around the side and jumped in! But Timmons, guess what I saw?”
“Timmons, there wasn’t nobody in that car and the engine wasn’t even turned on.”
“So you just thought the car was moving, then Bubba. You already said that you couldn’t see very well.”
“I know, but I swear that it was, and anyways, as soon as I was in it started going forward again.”
“Bubba, I think you’re mistaken.”
“Timmons, I swear to you! This car just started creeping forward, real slow like. I sat there soaking wet and I wasn’t sure if I was shivering from fear or the cold. But that wasn’t the worst part. Just ahead was a curve in the road and a bridge over Sugar Creek. And the car was headed straight for the front edge just before where the bridge started and I was sure we were going to roll off into some pretty rough water.”
Although you never know how to take Bubba, he sure did seem like this experience had left him shaken.
“As strange as all that was though, that wasn’t even the worst part! Just when I thought we were going into the drink, this hand appears out of the window and turns the wheel! I swear it did, Timmons!”
There was no doubt that Bubba saw something. I was starting to think that maybe we could use this story on future History Mystery Tours.
“So what’d you do, Bubba?”
“I jumped out, that’s what I did. I didn’t care how hard it was raining. I bailed and ran like a greyhound! And I got to this farmhouse and pounded on the door and these kind folks were good enough to let me in and let me call Elvis to come pick me up. As soon as I hung up I was going to tell these folks the story when there came a banging on the door.”
At that moment someone knocked on my door and I about jumped out of my seat! I motioned that I was on the phone because I had to find out what happened next.
“Well, there’s these two guys just as soaking wet as I was and they started to ask something when the one guy spies me and turns to his buddy. ‘Look John, there’s the moron who jumped in our car when we were pushing it.’ “
And with that Bubba let out a howl and started laughing hysterically.
“I got you, didn’t I Timmons! I got you!”
I could still hear him laughing as I slammed the phone down.
-Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Tuesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at [email protected].