NOT REMOTELY POSSIBLE

My birthday is coming up— in about 9 months—but don’t give it any thought. I have already bought myself the perfect gift from the Brookstone website.

The Brookstone Pillow Universal TV Remote Control:

“Never again will you have to ask, ‘Where’s the remote?’ And you’ll never lose it in between the cushions. Why? Because it IS a cushion with a built-in 6-in-1 universal remote control. The easy-to-click fabric buttons make changing channels a breeze.”

Yes, someone finally had the brains to sew a TV remote inside a throw pillow. Brilliant! The people who wasted valuable time thinking up Windows 11 or the new iPhone must be kicking themselves. Really, what man hasn’t spent 15 minutes looking for his clicker, then wondered why he couldn’t switch channels with something he never misplaces—like his can of beer. Hey, there’s another place to put a remote.

Never again will you ask: “Where’s the remote?” Instead, your wife will be asking why there is mustard on her pillow. One fan commented, “It looks like the regular pillow I cuddle with it.” Okay, that is a little creepy, but I was still intrigued.

There are some safety warnings: Like a minor possibility of being electrocuted if you drool on the thing. It shuts off after two hours of inactivity. This is not going to happen because most men are persistent channel surfers. However, falling asleep on the pillow is a pressing problem, so to speak. A few customers complained that one minute they were watching a documentary about FDR on the History Channel, and minutes later woke up to The Simpsons
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As I mentioned, the significant benefit is that you will never lose the remote again. I’m not optimistic that this is a surefire solution for me. Most people when they play golf occasionally lose a golf ball. The last time I played, I lost three clubs. At Kroger, I typically spend 20 minutes shopping and another 20 looking for my car. The designers of this pillow claim that the gadget is idiot-proof. But when I paid forty bucks for this contraption, I think I proved them wrong.

My wife wondered if she could start the dishwasher with the pillow, but I had to put my foot down. This kind of laziness is ruining our country, although it would be awesome to get Orville Redenbacher popping in the microwave by just leaning back in bed right before the movie starts. But I’d be afraid that in the morning, when I turned over for a final few zzzs, it might turn on the car in the garage. Cause of death: Exhaustion.

Mary Ellen and I decided not to wait for Christmas and ordered the pillow remote online. We don’t have the same tastes in television shows, so we often have a little spat about what we should watch on our big screen TV. Now that we have this new cushy gadget, it has added some spice and excitement to our marriage.
Never underestimate the value of a good pillow fight.