SLEEPLESS IN INDY!!

Every health magazine features articles about sleep. How many hours do you need? What time should you go to bed? What should you eat before retiring? Should you wear pajamas or sleep au naturel? Should pets sleep on your bed?

 How about socks? Yes, I saw a magazine the other day that featured an entire article on the pros and cons of wearing socks to bed. I always wear socks to bed; otherwise, my shoes give me blisters when I roll over.

 I’ve had sleeping issues my entire life. I tried everything, and I must admit I now use a very beneficial prescription medicine. I’ve been taking it for 25 years.  My wife complains that I disturb her sleep by thrashing around, saying bizarre things, and sometimes rolling out of bed. I even sleepwalk. Things get even worse if I remember to take the drug. Mary Ellen says if I don’t get a good night’s rest, I’m sleepy, then I’m grumpy, and before you know it, I’m dopey. I have four more dwarfs to go.

 But here’s the odd thing: No one sleeps better on a bus than I do. The second I get in the seat, I’m out cold. Mary Ellen told me recently that we once took a bus tour through Paris. That was news to me. But why do I sleep better on a bus?  There is nothing on a bus that lends itself to sleeping.

 I do want to wean myself off this drug, so I decided to try to simulate the very conditions on a bus that send me to never-never land. I requested that Mary Ellen stand at the foot of the bed and talk about whaling in Juneau. When we toured Alaska, this method gave me an hour of sleep, thanks to our monotone guide.

 Mary Ellen felt dumb talking to me from the foot of the bed, especially with her back to me like she was the bus driver.  First, she tried to explain to me how to play mahjong. That didn’t work. Explaining the benefits of yoga had no effect, either. But then I asked her to rock the bed back and forth so I’d feel like I was on the bus. That was getting a little too weird for her, so she opted to sleep on the couch. It irked me that she fell asleep right away.

 Maybe it was the sun that made me drowsy, so I shined a floor lamp directly in my eyes. Then I started rocking up and down on the bed like I was on a bus. My neighbor Paul could see me bouncing from his bedroom window. I don’t know what he thought I was doing, but the next day he kept winking at me.

 Then I had another idea. A bus is filled with people. Was that the crucial factor? But we didn’t have 30 chairs to put alongside the bed while I was trying to doze off.

 I’m not going to take that drug tonight. So, how will I fall asleep?

 I’m taking the 12:35 to Muncie.