LETTER PERFECTwolfsie column

There should be a law against having phone numbers that denote words instead of, well, numbers. It’s a phone number, not a phone word. For example, there is a national organization dedicated to educating people about a common, but potentially serious illness. Their phone number spells the name of the disease.  Is that an incredible coincidence, or what?

Here are some others:

1-800-CALL KEN

1-800-FLOWERS

1-800- GOT JUNK

1 800-GO FEDEX

 I mean, what are the chances?

 That makes the number easy to remember, but it’s impossible to dial on your cell phone if you are in the car, watching the road, balancing your coffee, and trying to figure out where the PQRS button is. Now, there is technology that allows you to just ask your device to call your desired number. But I’ve had trouble with that service for years.  I wanted to call my son, Brett.

 “Calling Brad,” the device confirmed.

 “No, call BRETT,” I yelled back, pronouncing it very clearly.

 “Calling Britt.”

 “NO, NO, I haven’t talked to her in years. Call BRETT.”

 “Calling Barb.”

 “DARN IT!”

 “Calling Darla.”

 I needed some music to calm my nerves. All I had to do was say the artist’s name, and his songs would play.

 “BOB DYLAN,” I requested. Then I heard this:

 “Looking up Bob Dylan on Wikipedia… Bob Dylan is an American singer-songwriter and artist who was born in Minnesota…”

 Now at my wits’ end, I screamed: “ HOW DO I MAKE THIS THING WORK?” 

Then, a familiar melodious voice sang:  “The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.  The answer is blowin’ in the wind.”

 Once while trying to dial a wordnumber, I almost ran into an 8733, which is “tree” in keypad language, in case you haven’t mastered this concept yet. I got so mad, I probably said a number I shouldn’t say in mixed company: 3687. Before you call the newspaper to complain that I mentioned some inappropriate digits, I simply picked four numbers at random. They don’t spell anything, but I’d better go back and re-check. I wouldn’t want any four-number words in a family newspaper.

 I recently discovered that 426-3425 (I AM DICK) has more than 2000 additional letter combinations.  Here are some that are unforgettable:  GAN-E-IJC, BNE-HBAL or IC-MFG-BK.  See how much simpler it is to remember seven letters rather than seven numbers?

 I realize I will never be able to get I AM DICK for my phone number because many people with common names like IC-MEGAL or ICOD-IKM have probably been waiting for that number to become available for years. If you are from planet GAMDIA-5, you’d have claimed this number ages ago to make it easier for fellow aliens to remember how to contact you.

 If you enjoyed this column, don’t forget it was written by 3425. But you and I don’t have to be so formal. You can call me 3.

Do you think this is a good example of how 3425 gets paid for really stupid stuff he writes every week? If you do, you’ve got my number.