THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

(CURRENT)

It’s already October, and I haven’t seen my Christmas Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog. This historic company is closing. Their publication is 144 years old. And I have been making fun of their quirky gifts for more than two decades. The company has had a good sense of humor about my ribbing. In fact, they sent me a kangaroo leather wallet as a token of appreciation. What did I do? I made fun of the wallet.

“Thank you for the kangaroo hide wallet. How ironic. You took one of the few animals in the world with a pocket and then turned the poor guy into a wallet.”

I’d like to share a few of my favorite offerings from the past 25 years. These items may still be available during their closeout sale, but I doubt it.  Probably because some hack writer from Indiana once made fun of these products.

The Illuminated Ear Wax Remover: This is an ear-cleaning tool equipped with an integrated camera that allows you to capture a video of the wax in your ear. The miniature endoscope streams live footage (or is it earage) to your smartphone, which means you can post pictures of your ear canal on social media and everyone can see the built-up gunk. And isn’t that what Facebook friends are for?

The Authentic Baseball Glove Leather Chair:  This is a giant handcrafted leather glove that you can sit in. Having guests over for the first time? What says welcome better than an unfamiliar hand (and a HUGE one, at that) clutching your butt while you are sipping a cocktail? We’ve all been to parties like that, haven’t we? For your weight-challenged friends, try the catcher’s mitt edition.

The Reading Time Clock: Okay, I’m going to label this as the dumbest gadget I’ve ever seen. Instead of numbers on a traditional clock face, it displays words on a screen. So, it says: it’s eight thirty. Of course, the clock doesn’t actually tell the time; you have to read it. A minute later, we see: it’s eight thirty-one. Who would want this as a gift? Maybe it’s for people who are literate—they know all the letters—just never learned numbers?

Remote-Controlled Fishing Boat: This model-sized craft is ideal for individuals who live near a lake, and prefer not to go fishing themselves. The tiny boat is equipped with a small fishing rod that can catch fish. Then the boat brings the fish back to shore. I’m not sure if it really works. A friend of mine fell for it hook, line, and sinker. The gift includes a sign that says: HOME FISHNG

The Buffet Eaters Wine Glass Holder: This device lets you hang your filled wine glass around your neck, freeing your hands to eat tiny quiches and pigs in a blanket while talking on a cell phone. If you’re feeling really friendly, you could even shake someone’s hand. It’s also great for horses that enjoy Chablis mixed into their oat bag.

The Wearable Sleeping Bag: This is a sleeping bag that has arms, legs and feet so kids can move around while staying warm.  Too expensive at $129.00? Go to Amazon. Look under flannel pajamas.

A Life-Sized Santa: Old Kris Kringle can be installed on a ladder so he appears to be climbing up your house to the roof. The problem is that last year the police kept shooting at him.

That’s just a few of the gifts I have written about.  Check out my FB page for a full list.

And thank you, HS. You guys rocked.