TALES OF A HACK(ed) WRITER************

I should have been more careful before I clicked and opened the invitation on my computer. It was from my friend Adrienne, inviting me to a Thanksgiving party.  I received the invitation on January 5, which meant my email service was really, really slow, or my friend Adrienne was very far ahead in planning for 2026.

 Mary Ellen briefly looked at the email and told me it originated in Africa. “Do you know anyone in Nigeria?” Mary Ellen asked me.

 “I don’t even know anyone in Kentucky.”

 At first, I had some trouble opening the email, but I apparently ended up sending a similar message to everyone in my address book. I panicked. Now I needed to warn everyone to avoid making the same mistake I did. By the way, the hack also prevented me from receiving any emails. More about that later.

 Here’s what I posted on Facebook, along with a note to everyone on my personal list of column receivers. You might have received something like this:

DO NOT RESPOND TO OR OPEN ANY PARTY INVITATION FROM ME. YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO A PARTY. NO ONE IS. I AM NOT HAVING A PARTY.

 I did get some interesting responses:

Joe: Don’t worry, Dick. No problem. I never open your emails anyway because they are usually your columns, and I don’t think they’re funny.

 Steve: Hey, Dick. We haven’t spoken in 20 years, and the first contact I get is NOT inviting me to your party. I look forward to not coming.

 Tony: I’m just curious: if you were really throwing a party, would you invite me? I want to know because I might also not host one, and I need to decide whether I should invite you or not.

 Susan: Dick, thank you for not inviting me to your party. I can’t not attend, anyway. I’m not busy enough.

 Seth: Dick, this Thanksgiving party in January is going to confuse a lot of turkeys who thought they got through November in one piece.

 Cathy: Let me understand this. You are not having a party, and I am not invited. As your proofreader, I must tell you that this means you are having a party.

 As I mentioned, the hacker also blocked my emails. My friend Kevin owns a company called Nerds on Call, and he’s my go-to guy for computer issues. When I asked for help troubleshooting the problem myself, he said he was happy to offer advice free of charge. He sent me this:

 Dick, to remove a computer virus, you need to start a multi‑layered remediation process by disconnecting the system from all network sources to stop recursive payload spread. Then, deploy a trusted heuristic‑based anti‑malware program to run deep scans across both volatile and non‑volatile memory areas. After the diagnostic engine finds suspicious executables, it runs a controlled quarantine process. Good luck. I’m here if you want to spring for a few bucks.

 I called him immediately. Kevin then took over my computer remotely and resolved the email issue in five minutes. He said he could have done it even quicker, but he was laughing so hard it slowed him down a bit.

Everything is fixed now. But the whole experience has put me in a party-giving mood. I’m thinking now of having an Easter party, but I haven’t decided when not to have it. And you are invited.