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BETTER THAN THIS
I am now beginning my 26th year of writing this humor column. It seems like yesterday I was floundering for ideas, unable to put together a coherent sentence, and making bad puns. Wait, that was yesterday. You were way ahead of me on the joke, weren’t you?
This insight has made me realize that there are countless things in my life I am no better at than when I started on this earth 79 years ago. I say countless, but I’m going to count some of them anyway.
1: Am I better at fixing things? NO! I still hire a handyman for everything. All that has changed is the price. It’s about 50 bucks an hour. It’s $65.00 an hour if I try to assist him. Sometimes when I do try to assist, Randy will ask, “Why are you trying to help? What did I ever do to you?”
2: Am I a better typist? NO! After 2500 columns, 12 books and thousands of emails, I still hunt. Then, after quite a while, I peck. My wife can watch her favorite TV show while composing a letter on her laptop and never once look at the keys. I tried that. Here’s what it looked like: DeAr joE, gooD TO hEAr from You. Let,s get toGether fOR a DRINK!
3: Am I a better listener? NO! This is especially true with directions. I listen to the first sentence, and then space the rest.Yes, I do have a GPS, but I don’t trust the device. It’s a man’s voice. What do they know? I could have changed it into a woman’s voice telling me where to turn, but Mary Ellen wasn’t available that day to sit next to me.
4: Am I better at making friends? I have always had two or three close friends. That has never changed, but the friends keep changing. That should tell you something.
5: Am I a better dresser? NO! Whenever Mary Ellen and I go out, I ask her if what I am wearing is okay. “You look fine,” says my wife. “But do you have to wear those terrible pants? And that shirt is horrible. And while you’re at it, ditch those shoes.”
6: Am I a better driver? NO! But I admit it. I once accidentally went over a meridian when I was making a left-hand turn. A policeman pulled me over and wanted to give me a breathalyzer test. “I’m not drunk,” I told the officer, I’m just a lousy driver.”
7: Am I any better at putting down the toilet seat, eating without staining the tablecloth, remembering to wipe my feet when I come in the house, and putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the correct slots? NO! NO! NO! NO! (And thanks to my wife for helping me with Number 7).
8: Am I any better at following the plot of a movie? NO! “Mary Ellen, why is everyone jumping off the ship? “It’s the Titanic, Dick. Sorry if the shipwreck disturbed your nap.”
10: Am I a better writer? Well, I’m not sure, but you did get all the way to number
10. By the way, I didn’t get any better at numbering, either.