Butch Discovers There Are No “Used Cars!”

By: John “Butch” Dale

I purchased a new 2021 Toyota SUV two years ago. It’s a great vehicle, and should last a long time. My wife drives it to work, while I drive my old Mercury Grand Marquis. My old car has seen its better days, so I started looking for a good used car. But guess what? No one sells “used cars” anymore. Nope, all they have are “certified pre-owned vehicles.” Sounds better, doesn’t it? Of course, these cost more than plain old used cars.

Well, this got me to thinking about all of the terms from the past that have been replaced with “nicer” sounding words, either to charge more money, to be more polite and less offensive, or just to obscure the truth. In this new world of political correctness, where you dare not offend any person or group, now we also cannot speak straight to the point. For instance, there are no poor people anymore…they are just “economically disadvantaged” or have a “negative cash flow.” Riots are called “civil disorders,” and slums are referred to as “substandard housing.” I tried to make an appointment to see a doctor at his office last month for my annual checkup, but there are no doctors…just “family practitioners.” No offices either…only “health maintenance organizations” and “wellness centers” manned by “healthcare delivery professionals.” Thousands of new terms have replaced old words or phrases in order to make bad things sound good, or regular words sound “better,” for instance:

(1) using illegal drugs is now “substance abuse,” (2) a bad loan is called “a non-performing asset,” (3) a recession is a “downturn in aggregate output,” (4) abortion is now referred to as “family planning,” (5) a phone salesman is a “telemarketing product specialist” who performs “courtesy calls,” (6) an illegal immigrant is now a “guest worker,” (7) prison has been renamed “correctional facility,” (8) torture sounds better when it’s called “enhanced interrogation,” and (9) pornography is now “adult entertainment.” You don’t have to worry about getting fired from your job either. No, you can just be “let go,” “get downsized,” “pivot your career,” “consider your options,” and be “between jobs.” Isn’t that great?

Of course there are no dumb, stupid, or idiot people either. They are just “intellectually challenged.” But fortunately there are a few humorous phrases for people like that…such as “a beer short of a six pack,” “a brick short of a load,” “not the brightest bulb on the tree,” “sharp as a bowling ball,” a few sandwiches short of a picnic,” “running about a quart low,” “his elevator doesn’t quite make it to the top floor,” “he isn’t firing on all cylinders,” and my favorite…”the lights are on, but no one’s home.”

Now listen…all of you old folks…excuse me, I meant to say “age-enhanced senior citizens”…myself included…death is not something to be afraid of, because you don’t have to die! You will just “cash in your chips,” “pass the nocturnal darkness,” “be called to the Lord,” “let the angels carry you away,” “climb the stairway to Heaven,” “meet your maker,” and “enter Eternal Rest.” See, that isn’t so bad, is it?

When “my time has come,” however, I prefer to just “kick the bucket, bite the dust, get the deep six, and pay my final debt.” I like to think that when “my number is up,” my death will just be a “lifestyle adjustment and permanent move to the Happy Hunting Ground!”

My wife said I “have a leak in my think tank.”

– John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.