Butch Lists Guidelines for Women Over 70

In my last column I listed a few guidelines for men who have reached the age of 70. Now here are some suggestions for women who are in the same age bracket.

1. If you make it out of bed in the morning, grab a cup of coffee, and make to your recliner, you are exactly where you want to be . . . at home and avoiding people. While sipping your coffee, you can decide to use the powers of caffeine for good or evil.

2. Your goals for the remainder of the day should be to buy something you really want, smack someone and eat something sweet. No use to worry about the future . . . just take one anxiety attack at a time. And the great thing is that you can now laugh, cough, sneeze and pee at the same time!

3. Don’t compare yourself to friends who brag that on their recent vacation they climbed a mountain. Just tell them that today you were able to get your leg through your underwear without falling down.

4. It’s true that exercise can possibly make you look better. However, a glass of wine can do the same thing.

5. If someone is annoying, OK, maybe you can’t kick butt anymore. No problem . . . Just go for their ankles.

6. Be sure to remember the correct replies when arguing with your husband: “Fine” (You are right and he needs to shut his mouth.) . . . “Nothing” (This means something, so he had better watch out.) . . . “Go ahead” (This is not permission, it’s a dare.) . . . “Whatever” (Your husband is an idiot!) . . . “That’s OK” (It’s not OK and he is going to be sorry.) . . . “Wow!” (How did he become that stupid?)

7. Husband provides no sparks in the bedroom? A taser doesn’t cost that much. Use it! If he informs you that he would rather watch the Super Bowl, tell him that your idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself after he uses it. Remind him that he doesn’t have to pee every time he passes by the bathroom. Your aim is to keep it clean and his aim would help.

8. Have some fun. Break the law. If you get caught, pretend you’re deaf and don’t speak English.

9. Don’t like living alone? Move in with your kids. Make a lot of noise, trash their house, and if they want you to pick up after yourself, throw a fit. If they thought that since you are 70 . . . you are a sweet old lady, then that is their first mistake!

10. Be happy! You have reached the “wonder years.” You wonder where your left your car keys. You wonder where your glasses are. You wonder where you lay down your cell phone.

   Here is a little poem for women over 70 . . .

   “You’ve seen it all, you’ve done it all. You’ve been around the block; You’re living large, you’re so in charge. Old lady? What a crock! You’ve just begun to have some fun. You’ve earned each little wrinkle. Say it loud, you’re downright proud. And when you laugh, you tinkle. A real woman feels it’s no big deal to add another candle. You’re old, you’re bold. You’re solid gold. There’s nothing you can’t handle!”

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 37 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.