Butch Lists Guidelines for Men Over 70

   Several of my friends and a few former classmates now head to Florida during the winter months. I’m assuming the main reason is to escape the cold weather. I would certainly hope that these 70-something baby boomers are not laying out on the beach . . . the men strutting along in their gigantic 1950s swim trunks, and the women sunning themselves in their string bikinis. Seeing that could cause symptoms comparable to getting Influenza B.

   You know, come to think of it, there are certain guidelines that persons over 70 should keep in mind. Let’s start with the men….

1. White loafers and white belts are out, and never wear white socks with dress shoes…or worst scenario–black socks with sandals (unless you are a professor of English literature). Only wear shoes with Velcro fasteners as last resort, as that is the main sign that your days are about over.

2. If they are playing “Volare” by Dean Martin on an elevator, do not sing along. Hum? Maybe. Sing? Absolutely not!

3. Do not start every conversation with “Well, back in my day . . . ” or “It wasn’t like that when I was . . . “

4. Do not wear your glasses around your neck on a string. Wearing reading glasses at the end of your nose is preferable, but, unfortunately, you’ll look like Chuck Schumer. You don’t want that, do you?

5. If you drive 20 mph down the middle of the road, while cruising around the countryside (looking at crops or gawking at women sunbathing), please turn on your flashers. Also keep in mind that when people have to drive in the ditch to finally get around you, they will likely wave with one of their fingers. (Hint: It’s not their thumb.)

6. Never discuss politics with a fanatical nutcase (liberal or conservative) unless you are carrying pepper spray. If the idiot is suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome, you’ll need a Smith & Wesson .357 magnum to defend yourself. Sorry, but that’s the way it is nowadays.

7. It is not cool to hang a pair of fuzzy dice on your golf cart mirror, and do not challenge others to a golf cart drag race on a back road. It’s a golf cart, not a ’69 Chevelle . . . OK?

8. You can discuss your aches and pains with people your age. They will also tell you about all of their aches and pains. This could go on for hours, so it is best to use the restroom before starting the conversation. And remember that children do not want to hear about your hemorrhoid surgery and the benefits of eating prunes.

9. Please don’t request that everyone do the “bunny hop” at parties or weddings. The “funky chicken,” the “twist,” and the “monkey” are also no-no’s.

10. Do not tell anyone that you think Joan Collins is still “hot.”

11. If a sliver of steak gets stuck in your teeth while eating at Texas Roadhouse, please do not remove your false teeth and pry the meat out with your fork.

12. Do not use your pacemaker to make the garage door go up and down. This might cause a short in the electronics and can cause a lot of unnecessary wear and tear to the door.

13. If you wear the “Life Alert,” and you “fall down and can’t get up,” press the emergency button. If a beautiful woman first responder shows up, act like you are unconscious so she will administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

14. The “Gene Keady comb-over” is to be used only by Gene Keady.

15. Don’t drink wine after a meal. It will make you sleepy and you might miss a rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.” Instead, have an 8 oz. glass of orange Metamucil. You must remember that one of the main goals in your life is to experience regular bowel movements.

16. If your wife refers to your waterbed as “the Dead Sea,” it may be time for your doctor to prescribe that “little blue pill.”

17. Don’t fall asleep in your recliner . . . with your head back and your mouth open. People are apt to call the coroner.

18. If you have more hair in your ears than on your head, consult a hair transplant business . . . you know the ones on TV . . . “I got my hair back, and so can you!”

19. If you enjoy watching the weather report on TV, never tell your wife that you think Angela Buchman is ugly. Your wife knows that you are lying.

20.  You can finally go ahead now and change the setting on the thermostat anytime you want. You have reached the magic age. Your parents aren’t around anymore. You are in charge. 

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 37 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.