Butch Revises His New Year’s Resolutions

Well folks, I made my New Year’s resolutions early…you know…the usual things like exercising more, eating healthy, saving more, watching less TV, etc. You get the idea. But then I decided that since I am 73 years old now, bullheaded, opinionated, and not afraid to kick the bucket, then why not come up with some more enjoyable and satisfying resolutions…right? So, here they are…

…I hereby resolve to double the amount of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that I consume each week, and to counter the extra calories…drink “ultra high caffeine” coffee in double the amount…that’s the plan!

…I hereby resolve to continue my morning push-ups, but from now on…only use my right arm, as I still have hopes of becoming a major league baseball pitcher before I reach the age of 80.

…I hereby resolve to continue to drink my usual Diet Pepsi each evening after supper, so that I can still make 47 trips to the bathroom each night. This will also keep me in shape for my chance at pitching stardom.

…I hereby resolve to join a club and actively participate, and my first choice is The Metamucil Club of America, as I truly believe that regular bowel movements are vital to our society.

…I hereby resolve to resist any suggestion to ditch my flip-phone and buy a smart phone, as I do not want anyone to send me texts, photos, or videos. If my flip-phone dies, I will buy an old crank wall phone and carry it around in a backpack.

…I hereby resolve to love the gravel road I live on and make every effort to swerve around large rocks and mudholes. I will repair all of my flat tires with joy in my heart and a smile on my face.

…I hereby resolve to never listen to Fox News, MSNBC, or CNN, as I do not want to morph into a grouchy “old coot” complainer. In addition, I resolve not to say anything bad about President Joe Biden or the other national politicians. After all, they cannot help it if they are idiots.

…I hereby resolve to never watch any movie in which an actor or actress feels that it is necessary to offer me their personal opinion about politics or voting. Those celebrities are CRAZY!

…I hereby resolve to never disparage any man who could work, but instead collects welfare…and then brags about it. No, it is best just to smack him in the face. The same goes for any athlete who kneels during the National Anthem.

…I hereby promise not to do business with any bank that advertises they they are my “friend and neighbor”…and then charge me 14 percent interest on a loan, while paying me 1/2 percent interest on my savings account.

…And finally…I hereby promise to revert to my childhood by wearing a cowboy hat, my Lone Ranger holster and cap guns, and my Milwaukee Braves “Warren Spahn T-shirt” to the mall every weekend. While my wife is shopping, I will sit on the bench and look at all of the other weird people like me. It will be like “family!”

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.