Butch Explains How to Apply for a Job in 47 Easy Steps

Since ol’ Joe is still figuring out how to deal with the inflation caused by…(pick one)… 1. Donald Trump, 2. Putin’s Ukraine war, 3. oil companies, 4. visitors from outer space, 5. Joe can’t remember…I know that many of you may be looking for a higher paying job or perhaps a second job. Of course, you can’t just go in and fill out a paper application like in the good ol’ days. Not in today’s world. No, you have to apply on the computer via the Internet. It’s so simple! Here’s what you do…

Turn on your laptop. Forgot your password? It will only take you 10-15 minutes to find where you wrote it down. Wait…it needs to update…This will take another 10 minutes. Eat two Rolaids while you wait. Make certain your modem and/or server is working properly and the wi-fi has a strong signal. Hopefully there is no malware, trojans, or viruses, and you have a good firewall and cyber security. Delete all spam and connect to the company’s website. If cookies pop up, X them out. Assuming it is not a phishing scam, proceed to enter the required information. Oops, you idiot, you forgot to scan required documents first…your driver’s license, social security card, birth certificate, and your last will and testament. Turn on the scanner. Head to the liquor cabinet and grab a bottle of Jack Daniels. Take two swigs. Start all over again, and then upload the scans. Cross your fingers that there is encryption so no one steals your data. You may be required to write a summary of your work experience. Do this on your Word processor and add it as an attachment. If you flunked English class, use Spellcheck.

Now you are almost done. Oh no!…your laptop locked up! Turn it off, and reboot it back up. While it is rebooting, take two more swigs. If you did not download prior information onto a hard disc, you need to start all over again. Some information may have entered the cloud, and those bytes, megabytes, and gigabytes are floating around. Use your search engine or E-mail for assistance. Take two big swigs. Maybe a new app is needed at this point in time on your browser. If a chip fails or the megahertz is slow, try CAD to see if you can draw some funny stick figures while you take another gulp.

What? The screen seems blurry? Wipe if off with Mr. Clean, and start over again. Oops, you spilled some on the keyboard, and now the “Enter” key is stuck. Gently pry it up with a screwdriver and squirt some WD-40 all around it. Keep a fire extinguisher handy in case sparks fly. Keep the whiskey away from any sparks. Keep drinking and try again.

Now…if you are a normal human being and have no success, and you are getting a little woozy, here’s what you do. Walk out to your garage, and select one of the following…a hammer, crowbar, or giant monkey wrench. Proceed to your laptop and inform your computer that you are very sorry for what you are about to do. Take another big swig of Jack, and utter several disparaging remarks about the company’s application process. Throw in a few select cusswords about inflation, Joe Biden, and technology in general. Take another big gulp, and then…if you can see straight, smash everything…the keyboard, computer screen, and mouse. Make sure you do not hit the dog. Once you have finished, take a photo of the mess and cover the damaged computer desk with wood-grained tape.

OK, you are almost done. Drink the last drop of the whiskey. Turn on your TV and DVD player, and insert the movie “Viva, Las Vegas,” starring Elvis and Ann-Margret. Watch the movie until you fall asleep. The next morning, take two aspirin and down them with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Drive down to your place of employment and tell them you are done…you quit. Then head over to the welfare office and apply for benefits. Take the photo of the destroyed laptop to prove that you are unemployable by reason of insanity…or better yet…turn yourself over to Homeland Security and tell them you are an illegal immigrant. They will provide you with a free phone, food, housing, and a new job. See, I told you it was simple.

– John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.