Base Behavior

Did you read the story about the father and son who attended a professional baseball game together and in the fifth inning rushed the field and beat the pulp out of the first-base coach?

One of the excuses offered by the father was that the first-base coach was making obscene gestures. Had these guys never been to a ball game?  That’s what a first-base coach is paid to do.

Finger in the air, hand on your butt: Lay down a bunt.

Finger toward your nose, hand between your legs: Take the next pitch.

Wave your hand toward your crotch, put your finger in your ear: Go to second.

I’m a family man myself, and back in the ’90s I was always looking for something to do with my son, so the idea of getting together on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and attacking a coach is the kind of creative activity that can make the father/son bond even stronger.

It’s tough to find cool things to do with kids nowadays and no dad wants to be called a square, so we shouldn’t come down too hard on this guy in the news—although he had no problem coming down really hard on the first-base coach.

Maybe this parent had been unsuccessful at getting his son to the ballet or symphony. I’m sure the suggestion to beat up a coach was a last-ditch effort to find something the two could enjoy together. Let’s cut the man some slack here.

I think we should offer similar activities that will let fathers and sons become even closer. Let’s get them away from those video games that instill anti-social behavior. Here are some suggestions:

FATHER AND SON CARJACKING

A car, a dad and his son. What could be more American, more apple pie? And Dad should let Junior drive during the heist, assuming it’s legal for him to be behind the wheel.  Letting a boy steal a car without a valid license would be setting a bad example.

FATHER AND SON LIGHT-BULB SNATCHING

What better way to get acquainted on a Saturday afternoon (that teaches life skills like sleight of hand, misdirection and concealment)? Don’t underestimate the value of petty crimes when it comes to your kids. There’s a lesson around every corner. And on every ceiling.

FATHER AND SON SHOPLIFTING

A wonderful way to spend a day. Just the guys out at the local Walmart stuffing their pockets and backpacks with loot from the sporting goods department. You can teach your son the value of being a smart consumer and show him how even a run-of-the-mill shoplifter has more take home pay than the store manager.

FATHER AND SON PUBLIC INDECENCY

There is no better way to bond with your son than being caught in a public area without your shirt and pants. A boy may forget the time his family took him to Disney, but spending a night buck-naked in the slammer with your father is a memory that never fades.

We are all busy, but it is important we give our kids the time they deserve. Fathers deserve time, as well. According to the judge, the coach-hating dad is going to be looking at three years.

Dick Wolfsie spent his career sharing his humor, stories and video essays on television, radio and in newspapers. His columns appear weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@ aol.com.