You Are Enough And That’s Enough Said

After rushing around on Tuesday and completely misjudging the time I had left to make it to Indianapolis to my doctor’s for my six month Medicare checkup, I was informed if I walked in ten minutes late, I would have to reschedule. (No way would I make to there by 10:20 just now leaving Crawfordsville at 9:35.) So I rescheduled for next week and went ahead and had my blood work completed locally. (Shout out to Quest Diagnostics for always being prompt, professional and friendly.) I received the results yesterday and all is well with one exception; my fasting blood glucose was elevated into the “pre diabetic range” My beloved doctor has warned me over the years my levels were teasing the boundary waters of unsafe, but I wasn’t alarmed. If anything, I thumbed my nose at “a word to the wise” and kept on doing what I was doing, even indulging and imbibing a little more than I should. I tout my Cabernet obsession like a badge of honor and think about ordering the t-shirt that says “ I love Jesus but I cuss and drink a little.” My counselor assures me I am not an alcoholic. I know what my doctor will say when I see her on Tuesday; exercise, healthy eating and control stress. I’m not too far gone yet, but when is enough, well, enough?

A few nights ago the moon was in it’s Waning Crescent phase or the “toenail moon” as it is known in my family. (This is the moon phase prior to the Full Moon.) I wanted to use the symbolism as a writing prompt for my upcoming AWA groups so I looked up the meaning. I found in an online excerpt from Spirituality and Health Magazine which stated a waning crescent moon is time to let go of something no longer serving you; a time to release. It is also a time of fertility but that ship has long sailed for me and most of my writing group members so I skipped over that part as a prompt. It took me a couple of minutes to settle in to a coherent thought about what I wanted to write, but here is what came up.

If for one day I could release a burden, it would be my “need.” By that, I mean the nagging thoughts of what I believe I need to be, need to be doing or need to have in order to be happy. Then the thought occurred to me; when will everything I am, do or have be enough? Why on this day, in this moment can’t I sit in the “enoughness” of my life? Could I simply release “need’ aloft like a balloon? What peace that would bring, knowing everything I’ve accomplished would be enough. Who I have become is enough. What I possess is enough.

More just can’t be the answer. If I demonstrated more gratitude would that ground me and keep me from feeling so needy? What if for one day, I could stop thinking about those who need something from me or what I need from others and the universe? Maybe I’ve developed a God Complex, thinking I can be more than I should be to others? How weary God must be of our human needs and imposing our will on others we think need us. Nah – that can’t be right. He is God. He has it all figured out. I am only human and perhaps the fact that I even question myself and my motives is a good start,

A few years ago, while going through a nasty divorce, I wrote down all of my worries on slips of paper, placed them in a tin pan and lit them on fire. I sat and watched the words burn until they were little gray mounds of ash. I let go of what was troubling me. Maybe I need to recapture that moment and let go of my needs. Dan, in his wisdom, has encouraged me to discern the difference between my wants and needs. If I take that perspective, it becomes clear most of the things I perceive as needs are merely wants for my self and others. I bemoan the greed driving humankind and not merely material greed, but soul greed; the greed that is claiming spiritual real estate that isn’t ours to own. There is a false sense of “if I am right then you must be wrong,” existing in the world as it has since time began as we know it. Some of us feel the need to give and do with the expectation that others will come around to our way of thinking. An enlightened few give from altruism; the unconditional, selfless desire to help others. I would like to think I don’t have ulterior motives like fulfilling the need I have to feel needed, but I don’t think that’s the case.

I am not sure how successful I will be in doing enough to stave off becoming a diabetic. It may very well constitute a change in my lifestyle. It might even be genetic and something I cannot control. I do know “enoughness “ starts with what’s inside of a person. Too often we give away our power to superficial things so we can be more, do more and have more. Right now, I need to stop striving and realize I am enough. You are enough and that’s enough said.

Gwynn Wills is a former speech therapist, certified Amherst Writers and Artists workshop Affiliate and Leader and founder of The Calliope Writers Group. After growing up in Crawfordsville, her and her husband returned several years ago.