Butch Says Don’t Go With A Woman To Shop For Clothes

How are you feeling today, guys? Is everything going well for you? You say you have the weekend off with no projects in mind, nothing to repair, no family obligations? Great! What’s that? Your wife wants you to take her to town so she can shop for new clothes…even though her closet is jam-packed?

Well, you need to think of something fast. You need an excuse of why you cannot go with her…anything. Make something up. Because if you go with her, you’ll be sorry. Here’s why…

When a man wants something, he just goes and gets it. He knows what he wants. He does not care about price. He just buys it and heads home. He does not need fifty shirts, twenty pairs of jeans and slacks, and thirty pairs of shoes. Actually, not counting underwear and socks, all a man needs is two shirts, two pairs of pants, and two pairs of shoes (one combination for “everyday” and one for attending funerals). Men hate trying on clothes. They know what size they wear. “Don’t worry…it will fit OK.” Men save time and also lots of money this way so they can buy the important things in life…sporty cars, tools, golf clubs, 4-wheelers, guns, and tickets to sporting events. Men are the same way in a grocery store. They buy the same items each week, and they do not check prices. Easy in…easy out. Happy!

When women shop, it’s a whole different ballgame. You see, women ENJOY shopping. They think about it all of the time. They plan for it. They look though fashion magazines and catalogs and on the Internet. They talk to other women to get their opinions. And then comes the big day…at the mall. Of course, the woman wants her husband to come along to “help her decide.” Soon she sees something. “I kind of like this. What do you think?” she asks. “That’s fine,” he agrees while eyeing his watch and the store exit. But she does not try it on…she just leaves it on the hanger and holds it up to her in front of a mirror. “Try it on,” he encourages her. “I don’t know if I like it that well or not. I wonder how much it is? And then she examines the tag, “Well, I’m not paying that much for this. I can wait. It might go on sale.” So she keeps looking…and looking…and looking…before making the critical decisions to buy.

Now shopping for shoes is a little different. Price is no object. And women don’t care how comfortable shoes are. They just care about how they look. Sure, they walk around in the new shoes and pretend they are checking for comfort, but it’s all an act. Too tight? “I’m sure they will stretch out a little after I wear them a while.” Too loose? “Well, I can put an insole in them. It will be OK. I just love them, don’t you?” “Yes, they’re very nice, dear.” Now what about purses? They must match outfits, have plenty of room for fifty pounds of personal items, and cost more than two hundred dollars. No discount purse will do. Men need one wallet. They will carry this wallet until it becomes an antique. Women need at least twenty-five purses, which they display in their closet with pride.

Fellows, this shopping experience with a woman can go on for hours…and at numerous locations. You might spend more for gas than what the clothes will cost. You will be asked your opinion hundreds of times. And she will always think you’re lying if you tell her that you like what she picked out. What if she finally makes up her mind and actually purchases several items? Sorry, that is not the end of your troubles, because I guarantee you that she will return some of the clothes. When she arrives home, “I just don’t know if I like this outfit or not”…or “It feels tighter now than it did in the store.”…”I think I’ll take it back and get a refund or exchange it.” Women do this all of the time. It gives them another excuse to have you drive them to the mall for another shopping “adventure.”

So…here is my advice to all of you men out there. You have to go with them when they shop, or they will think you don’t care. Stock up on aspirin, Tylenol, and Rolaids. Keep some in your pockets, and munch on these when you enter each clothing store. If your stomach becomes upset, you can drink Pepto-Bismol when you arrive back home. Then go for a long drive by yourself out in the country, or go out into your garage or workshop and lock the door behind you. And pray. Pray to God that she will be satisfied with her new purchases for at least a couple of weeks. You can get through this if you believe God is merciful. And just try to concentrate on that new radial arm saw at Home Depot.

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.