Butch Remembers Some Boring Christmas Gifts

Well, it’s that time of year again…time to select Christmas gifts for our family. Even though our four children are grown, we still think of them as our “little kids.” With nine grandkids, too, it can be expensive, but since we never go on a vacation, we save that money for Christmas gift-giving.

To make it easy, my wife usually has everyone make a list of things they might like to have, and then we just go buy some of the items on the list. Gee, that never worked for me when I was growing up! As I mentioned in a previous column, I did receive some great gifts through the years…a Hopalong Cassidy capgun and holster, a BB rifle, a Lew Burdette autographed baseball glove, and a Milwaukee Braves baseball cap…just to name a few. But my folks never had much money, so many times I think they just waited until the last minute and grabbed whatever they could afford. I have mentioned these before…slinky, Viewmaster, Mr. Potato Head, ant farm, Wooly Willy, etc. Not too exciting, but those did keep my attention for a short amount of time. But then there were gifts that, sad to say, were just downright boring…for instance…

When I was in the fourth grade in 1958, I received a present wrapped in a tiny little box. I was “going steady” with Linda Quigg, who had long, blond curls. (Our romance consisted of sitting next to each other at basketball games.) I wanted a necklace with my name engraved on it, as it was a custom then to exchange these with your significant other. I was very excited until I opened the box and discovered a brand new pair of…nail clippers. Now that’s something every boy certainly desires with all their heart! Whoopee.

The next year, as a fifth grader, one of my presents was a tube of Brylcreem. On the box, it stated that it was “The Best Selling Hairdressing in the World.” It should also have said “Most Boring Christmas Gift in the World.” I don’t think Elvis even used that stuff.

Some of the other gifts that I received through the years were such items as socks, underwear, and coats. Practical? Yes. Exciting? No. And I could always guarantee you that there would always be an orange in my stocking. Hey, Mom and Dad, this is not the Great Depression. It’s the 1950s, I want candy! They must have inherited their gift-giving skills from their parents. My Grandpa and Grandma Dale couldn’t buy anything. They had 22 grandkids and very little money. But Grandpa and Grandma Grimes always gave me really “special” presents…gloriously exciting items like cufflinks, pencils, ink pens, handkerchiefs, and yes…they also gave me some nail clippers. One time, I received a new striped bowtie. My God, where I am going to wear that…to the insane asylum for adolescents? Maybe I could also buy a straw hat and become a carnival barker at the ring-toss tent.

In high school, my basketball coach required that the team members dress up for the games and wear a hat…those stupid looking Fedora-style hats. So, of course, as a freshman that was one of my Christmas presents. It was greenish-brown plaid with a little feather in the hat band. Great…I always wanted to look like Fred McMurray. I also received a new athletic supporter, i.e. “jockstrap.” Really. Yes, something I would always treasure.

Well, I received gifts from other people, too. When I was 15, the Methodist Church, where I had attended Sunday School for the last ten years, gave me a small edition of the New Testament. That was nice of them. However, at that age, I would have preferred the 1964 Holiday edition of Playboy magazine.

Through all of those Christmas seasons, I learned some valuable lessons. First of all, what you want…and what you receive…are entirely two different things. Secondly, money cannot buy happiness…but it sure can’t hurt any either. Thirdly, my parents and grandparents did not spend much time in selecting gifts. But that’s OK, because in gift-giving it is truly the thought that counts. The best gifts are having good health and a loving family…and most importantly, Christmas Day is the occasion to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

If anyone needs any nail clippers, I have an extra pair.

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.