Butch Offers Advice to the Rich and Famous
Yes, in addition to my many other jobs, I also answer letters from those forlorn famous folks who request my advice. Here are a few….
“Dear Butch, After having been married for many years, I seem to have lost all sexual desire for my husband, and he seems to have lost interest in me. I realize that some of my luster and appeal have dimished, too. What can I do to to make myself more desirable and reignite our love?” Signed, Hillary Clinton
…Dear Hillary, Forget it…ain’t gonna happen.
“Dear Butch, I am seriously considering running for office. I was elected one other time, and I thought I did a good job, but some people hate me and don’t want me to run again. What would you suggest?” Signed, Donald Trump
…Dear Donald, Let your heart be your guide. But, if you decide to run again, buy lots of duct tape for your mouth. Sometimes Menards has it for 11% off…all you can get in one bag.
“Dear Butch, People are always making fun of my speeches, and in the way of speaking, and you know, like addressing concerns in talking to and like, speaking with people, talking with points, interviews are essential you know, articulating communication problems, and like, anyone knows, speaking my concerns to others, and I am getting very flustered. How can I change and make everyone like me?” Signed, Kamala “Giggles” Harris
…Dear “Giggles,” You might try stand-up comedy. Or perhaps Maxine Waters and you could make a movie together…you know, like “Dumb and Dumber.” No acting lessons required.
“Dear Butch, It seems that people have turned against me. Even my brother puts me down, and doesn’t want to be near me. I will admit that I have made a few mistakes in the past. I wrote a book which explains everything, but no one seems to understand the abuse I have suffered. What can I do to make things right?” Signed, Prince Harry
…Dear Harry, You poor little feller…I know it must be terrible to be a wealthy prince and have the public heap scorn upon you. So, here’s what you do. Go to your castle and raise the drawbridge. Then shut your big trap. Works for me.
“Dear Butch, Several years ago I was wrongly accused of murdering my wife. A trial was conducted, and I was found innocent, but people still don’t believe me and don’t want to be my friend anymore. What can I do?” Signed, O.J. Simpson
…Dear O.J., Okay, Now listen closely. You DID murder your wife. Any more questions?
“Dear Butch, I am a well-known artist, and have sold several of my paintings for mucho bucks in the past. But with the economy down at the moment, I haven’t sold squat lately. Any suggestions?” Signed, Hunter Biden
…Dear Hunter, call up Xi-Jinping in China and tell him you know Joe. That should do it. The money will start rolling in faster than you can say “Wuhan!”
“Dear Butch, I am recently divorced and the mother of three. I would like to start dating again and find the right guy and make it work this time around. I am the intellectual type and read 8 to 10 books a week, but it seems men only want me for my body. What can I do?” Signed, Kim Kardashian
…Dear Kim, it might help if you read educational books instead of comic books. You also might want to quit dressing like a stripper on steroids…just sayin’.
“Dear Butch, I have always wanted to be an NBA basketball player. I am pretty good, but I am getting up there in years, and I don’t think I have a very good chance of getting drafted now by an NBA team. Should I continue pursuing my goal…or should I give up?” Signed, Barack “Da Man” Obama
…Dear Barack, Well, I have seen you shoot the ball. You are no LeBron, but I will admit…you’re pretty decent. I say you should go for it. You might just make the team. But if you fail, you fail…just like you did as President. You’re a multi-millionaire now…so no big deal
“Dear Butch, I live in New York. The crime is terrible. I want to buy a gun for self-protection, but the laws are very restrictive. Should I just sue to obtain my 2nd Amendment rights?” Signed, Alec Baldwin
…Dear Alec, I tell you what…you might want to hold off on that until your trial for involuntary manslaughter is over. I’m pretty sure you can’t have a gun in prison.
“Dear Butch, I am very depressed. I can’t remember things. I stumble. I mumble. I make bad decisions. People who work for me keep resigning. No one likes me. Even my wife can’t stand me. And to top it off, I have done a few illegal things in the past, and the heat is coming down. I am thinking about ending it all. Please help me.” Signed, Ol’ Joe Biden
…Dear Ol’ Joe, If you had come out of the basement and actually campaigned, you would not have been elected, and you wouldn’t have these troubles now…you big cry-baby. For God’s sakes, don’t do anything stupid. Your VP is worse than you. Anyway, MSNBC, CNN, and the New York Times still love you! Come on, man…be brave, little buddy.
John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.