Spear Fishing

Did you know that when you prepare asparagus you probably make 12 mistakes?  Hold on a few minutes while I explain why I am asking this question.

I have an app called Smart News. It’s worth every penny, mainly because it’s free. I am addicted to it because along with dozens of articles each day that summarize the news, it also includes provocative warnings with attention-grabbing teases. These were just in the past week…

6 things you do wrong in the shower

5 kinds of pickles to avoid

4 things your boyfriend should never know

9 most ineffective pick-up lines

7 things you are doing wrong with artichokes

5 mistakes you make when loading the dishwasher

5 names for a man that usually mean he’s a jerk

11 biggest mistakes you make at Costco

6 mistakes you make with your toaster

3 things you do wrong when making your bed

Why I read these blurbs every day is baffling to me. It just gives me more stuff in my life to obsess about. Let’s take a look at just a few of these:

Five things you do wrong loading the dishwasher. If you are a man and don’t want to bother reading the list just load the dishwasher in front of your wife. You will quickly find out there are SEVEN things you are doing wrong.

Six things you do wrong in the shower.  One of the things people do wrong is not washing their feet. With my aching back, I can’t reach my feet. That’s why there are seven bars of soap on the shower floor.

Three ways you make your bed incorrectly. I was surprised to find that putting the fitted sheet on top of the flat sheet was not included as a no-no. I did that once when Mary Ellen was on a business trip. In the morning, I was an hour late for work because I couldn’t get out of bed.

Five pickles you need to avoid.  Your wife finds you have an extra cell phone with 75 calls to a Denise. That’s one pickle you are in. Avoid it.

Five names of men who are usually jerks. According to an actual survey, women claimed that certain male names often meant the guy was going to be a jerk. One of those names was Frank.

Nine pick-up lines you should never use.  According to bartenders surveyed, one of the worst is: “Hi gorgeous, my name is Frank.”

Okay, let’s get to those asparagus. The first thing they mention is that people forget to peel the spear. Apparently, peeling makes the vegetable more edible. I am no expert, but I believe this is also true of bananas. Don’t trim off too much? Also good advice for people mowing their lawns, barbers cutting hair and doctors doing circumcisions.

Don’t ignore the great diversity of asparagus. There are, says Smart News, over 300 varieties including Jersey Giant, Colossal and Atlas. Sound familiar? Those are also the names of three championship wrestlers.

Finally, and I am not making this up.  Don’t cook your asparagus with the rubber band still on the stems. Yes, if your spears are exceptionally chewy one night, I think you have discovered the culprit.

– Dick Wolfsie spent his career sharing his humor, stories and video essays on television, radio and in newspapers. His columns appear weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@ aol.com.