Butch Helps You Understand Politics And Elections

John “Butch” Dale

Do you remember all of those times you fell asleep in high school government class? Nope, you didn’t learn one thing about the three branches of government, the Electoral college, the Bill of Rights, how laws are passed, etc. etc. Well, don’t worry, my little buckaroo, it was all made-up stuff anyway. I am here to help you understand how government and politics REALLY work!

Yes, there are three branches of government. First off is the legislative branch which is composed of Congressmen and Senators who are elected. No brains or common sense required. All you need is money…lots of it. These people make speeches and promise to do whatever it takes to get your vote. And once they’re in, it’s party time till they kick the bucket! Occasionally they pass laws, but only for their own good (or for whichever lobby or special interest group gives them the most bribery money). They often form committees to investigate things and come up with new laws, but nothing is ever accomplished, but hey, that’s a good thing! They also give lots of speeches. Nobody listens to these blowhards, except the opposing party, who always disagrees!

The executive branch is the President. As you have likely figured out by now, there are no qualifications for this job either; however, you have a better chance of being elected if you are an old white guy who has a lot of “connections,” (rich friends, union bosses, big tech manipulators, media moguls, etc.). Yes, you might point out that Barack Obama was Black. Sorry, that doesn’t count. He is only half-Black, is wealthy, and is the smoothest talking con artist in U.S. history. If you run for President, you have to make speeches (unless you are Joe Biden and decide to stay in the basement). If you are a Republican, you must be pro-family and pro-police. You must kiss babies and display the American flag everywhere. You must not wear a tie. Keep your shirt unbuttoned and wear a John Deere hat. It also helps if you have a good-looking wife and like country music. If you are a Democrat, even though you may be a rich white dude, you must portray yourself as the champion of the oppressed, the minorities, and all of the woke crowd. You have to dig up dirt on your opponent and make him look bad. Call him a racist, gun-loving, Nazi extremist who hates minorities, women, and poor people. Campaigning is easier for Democrats, because they just have to go to the big cities and states with the most people, and give speeches in which they promise to give everyone more free stuff.

The judicial branch is composed of the judges appointed to the Supreme Court. They are nominated for this job by the President. They are supposed to listen to big cases and interpret the law based on the Constitution. Not true. They actually vote based on what they THINK THE LAW SHOULD BE to benefit their political party. One benefit is that they get to wear those cool, long black robes and pretend they are smarter than the rest of us.

OK, now that you understand all of that, it is important to know what some of the political terms mean, so here you go…

(1) “bureaucrat”…. a government worker who gets paid for doing nothing

(2) “deficit”….no money for the government to spend, but they can just put it on America’s charge card

(3) “fair election”…your party WON! (in contrast to “RIGGED election” in which your party LOST)

(4) “intern”…sexy-looking young lady who will do anything you want (just ask Bill Clinton)

(5) “corporate lobbyist”…the actual person who writes the laws for Congress to pass

(6) “politician”…another name for pickpocket…cannot hold a regular job

(7) “taxes”…your hard-earned money taken away by politicians for your own good…income tax, property tax, sales tax, capital gains tax, gift tax, estate tax, inheritance tax, social security tax, etc, etc.

(8) “illegal immigrant”…a person who votes Democrat

(9) “Vice President”…no qualifications, no important duties…kind of like being a prince or princess. (Think of Dan Quayle and Kamala Harris.)

(10) “confidential source”…a fictitious person that political opponents conjure up when they fabricate a story to ruin your election chances

(11) “debate”…a comedy show featuring politicians who smile and brag about themselves, and proclaim that their opponents hate little kids

(12) “social media”…the unofficial 4th branch of government. They tell you what to think, who you should vote for…and “accidentally” delete opposing viewpoints

(13) “fact checker”… an enemy of Joe Biden’s press secretary

(14) “investigative committee”…Congressmen who try to make it look like they are doing something important

(15) “Feds”…armed employees of the FBI who spy on mothers who oppose “gender transition” and “gender neutral” restrooms in public schools

(16) “peaceful protest”…an excuse to hit innocent people, burn down buildings, and steal everything in sight

(17) “news media”…news? Ha, Ha, Ha…that’s a good one!

(18) “deceased person”…a Democratic voter in Georgia or Michigan

(19) “Constitution”…the law of the land which protects your freedoms and basic rights….unless our government decides otherwise

(20) “Big Oil”…the enemy of John Kerry and climate change activists, except when they fly in a jet or drive a car

(21) “corporate CEO”…an important person who provides money, steak dinners, and free prostitutes to politicians in exchange for tax benefits and protection from regulations

That should about do it. Just remember what Will Rogers said…”More men have been elected between sundown and sunup, than ever were elected between sunup and sundown…if you ever injected truth into politics, you’d have no politics…. America has the best politicians that money can buy!” Thanks, Will…Amen.

– John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.