Dick’s Main Squeeze

By: Dick Wolfsie

I love all kinds of juice. But don’t confuse me with the guy on TV several years ago who at 85 years old was hawking some juicer contraption.  He said that because he drinks fresh squeezed juice every day, he fathered triplets. This would not be a motivating factor for me to drink juice when I become an octogenarian. In fact, I’m going to lay off the juice when I turn 78. I’m not taking any chances. And even though Mary Ellen will be 74 at that point, I’m taking the V-8 away from her also.

Here are some fruit juice conundrums…

1. Why is there no raisin juice? There is prune juice, which is from dried up plums. Why not raisin juice?  Just dried up grapes. Sounds good.

2. Why is there no plum juice? If you can get juice out of a prune, you sure can squeeze it out of a plum.

3. How come apple juice has 100% Vitamin C, but on the apple cider label it says there is no Vitamin C. Where did the Vitamin C go? Let’s get it back.

4. If vegetables are fat free, why is vegetable oil 100% fat? I’ve been asking that question for 40 years and still haven’t gotten an answer I like.

5. How come there is no cantaloupe juice? Cantaloupes are just waiting to be squeezed. They are full of juice. It’s cruel and inhumane, like not milking a cow.

6. Does white grape juice stain like blue grape juice, but you just can’t see the stain? (This will keep you up all night, so don’t think about it too much.)

7. Why does orange juice in a can taste like grapefruit juice? Trust me, it does.

8. Why can’t I get grape juice with pulp?

9: Some orange juice has no pulp. I like pulp. What did they do with the pulp? I wouldn’t mind buying some extra pulp. I’d put it in my grape juice.

10. How did lemonade become such a hit? Who handled the PR for limeade, anyway? By the way, why is a Lemon Shakeup at the Fair $9.00. If you filled up your car tank with that lemonade it would cost about $500.00.

11. If the orange juice I buy is 100% juice, then what is concentrate? 500% juice?

12. You can buy fresh orange juice and fresh grapefruit juice.  But not fresh grape juice. Of course, you can buy grape juice in a frozen concentrate.  So, why not wine from frozen concentrate? Shark Tank here I come.

13: There is no banana juice. You can’t squeeze juice out of a banana. But there’s almond milk? Go figure.

14: Guava and mango. Those fruits make two great juices. I’m told that one is a good remedy for constipation, the other for diarrhea. I forget which is which. I better figure that out before we go to Mexico this winter.

15: There’s a lot of talk about acai juice, but I won’t order something I’m not sure how to pronounce. That’s why I’ve never had a gyro or aioli.

I haven’t said anything blackberry juice. I actually know a little secret about the effects of blackberry juice on men. But I’m not telling. You’d have to squeeze it out of me.

– Dick Wolfsie spent his career sharing his humor, stories and video essays on television, radio and in newspapers. His columns appear weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@