Tips For Husbands Who HAVE To Go To Fall Festivals

By: Tim Timmons

Fall means turning leaves, cooler temps, football, saying so long to summer . . . it used to mean that school just started but now is the beginning of the second grading period . . . but I digress. For us warm-weather lovers it signals the beginning of our bodies losing their warmth. I don’t expect to have warm feet again until June.

It also means fall festivals.

All across the state it seems like most communities – big, small or a few pumpkin spices in between – have their own.

From Oktoberfests to Persimmons to Turning Leaves, Covered Bridges, Apples, Pumpkins, Arts, Foliage, Harvest Moon, Headless Horsemen, Corn Mazes, Harvest, Settlers, GermanFests, Chili Cook Offs and, oh yeah, fall . . . there’s a festival for everyone.

A lot of us will be heading to one (or more!) of these. Truth to tell, I used to hate it. Hate with a passion. Back in the day, I would rather play softball, watch sports on TV or work in the garage.

But, and please don’t tell my wife this, they aren’t as bad as they used to be.

So chances are high that we’re going to spend a few weekends wandering around the great Hoosier state visiting a few of these. Most will be pretty crowded. Some are shoulder-to-shoulder crowds. Very few are sparsely attended, so please allow me to offer a few thoughts on the do’s and don’t’s for some of the husbands who are going to be in attendance – whether they want to be or not.

· First, if you see something that catches your eye, do not stop in mid-stride to look. Chances are there’s some schmuck of a husband behind you who isn’t watching where he’s going. See the problem that’s coming?

· Ditto if you change your mind and wheel around on a dime. Your sudden reversal could result in a collision with the aforementioned schmuck and the chain-reaction that ensues won’t be pretty.

· Have a dog you love and adore? Good for you. Leave it at home.

· When you inevitably run into friends, don’t gather as a group in the middle of the walkway. Seasoned festival goers understand and just go around you. The schmuck of a husband gets confused and that causes a logjam.

· If there is a shuttle and a long line waiting, don’t try to cut in. Hell should have a special corner set aside for those people. Ditto for those who don’t observe common courtesy in the parking lot and drive like Mario Andretti to the parking spot you’ve patiently waited on.

· Do the event organizers a favor and when you finish that lemon shakeup or elephant ear, find a trash can. Not only does it help keep the place clean, but whether there should be or not, dogs are running around. Step on a squishy lemon rind and you get a sinking feeling for at least a second or two.

· Speaking of food, just understand that the prices are going to be ridiculous. Standing there griping about it isn’t going to change anything.

· Also understand that fried grease is the order of the day. So are antacids.

Ah fall . . . love this time of year.

-Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Wednesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at [email protected].