Revisiting an Old Friend – the Bubbling Caldron

About a hundred or so years ago – or so it seems – I created what I thought was a fun little character named The Bubbling Caldron. I was a young sportswriter at the time and used Bubbles to do some off-the-wall prognosticating on high school football and basketball games.

After I left the sports world, Hall of Famer Barry Lewis took over the column and truth to tell, turned out to be a better picker than I was. At some point though, I think Barry stopped writing it and not sure when, but Bubbles kind of floated off on the River Styx.

So imagine my surprise the other day when Bubbles, in all his former glory, popped up and wanted to talk about this year’s elections.

Now, keep in mind if you please, that all the following was written prior to yesterday’s elections. So everything ol’ Bubbles said was indeed pure prediction. Lest anyone doubt that, I’ve asked the Internet Overlords to post this column on our website prior to the election. What was it Reagan said, trust but verify? Verify to your heart’s content. And without further ado, heeeeere’s Bubbles!

Hello Sports Fans,

Miss me? It’s been a while. Yeah, OK, “a while” doesn’t really cut it, huh. Best as I can figure, it’s something like 30 or so years . . .  Yeah, when the powers that be on North Meridian Street killed class basketball, it was kind of tough to keep up the enthusiasm. Then, some of my favorite coaches retired and, well, hey, a life of leisure on a beach isn’t all bad.

So, you ask, what’s got me back here today? Well, with just a few days to go until the election, I thought I’d offer up a prediction or three and see if I’ve still got the touch . . . or if I’m just plain touched in the head.

Let’s start with the easy one right here in the great Hoosier state.

Jennifer McCormick will be our next governor . . . yeah, OK, I couldn’t keep a straight face. But hey, I tried. How about Liber-(I don’t pay child support)-tarian Donald Rainwater? Nah, wouldn’t even try to joke on that one.

The easy answer is that the ticket of Mike Braun and Micah Beckwith rolls to an easy victory, winning by 8 points. When I first gazed into the swirling cauldron of bubbles, I swear I saw a 10-point-plus landslide. But let’s settle at eight because all those red shirts in the teachers’ union are probably going to keep Jenn closer than that.

As for the rest of the state, well, who cares?

Let’s move on up – as George and Louise might say – and check out how the big dogs end up.

No use building up the suspense. Kama-Kama-Kama-Kama-Kamamelion wins the popular vote with 942 million votes to Donald Trump’s 187. (No, not 187 million. Just 187 – as in 13 shy of 200.) Never mind the fact that the U.S. total population, including those under the age of 18 is only 335 million, she hits 942 million. (Hey, why’d you think the border has been open for a couple of years now?)

But popular votes only count in horseshoes and justice departments, so who won the all-important electoral college? Well, the Don started out pretty good but, in the end, Kama-Kama-Kama-Kama-Kamamelion secured the 270 votes needed before noon Tuesday and was declared the winner by the FBI and several other D.C.-based agencies. Again, never mind the fact that polls didn’t close for six more hours. A statement from the Democratic National Committee explained the early decision by saying they didn’t want any chance someone could claim suitcases were brought out from under tables after midnight.

But the polls closing at 6 did have an impact. At precisely 6:01, the Don was arrested on 1,836 charges of colluding with foreign powers, illegally stopping a bullet with his ear, cheating at golf, stealing candy from babies and ticking off Hillary Clinton. The New York Times later reported that it didn’t know the part about Hillary was a crime but quoted her husband Bill as saying, “it depends on what the definition of is, is.”

Lastly, remember all the Hollywood types who claimed they were going to move out of the country if Trump won back in 2016? Unfortunately, they didn’t. But anyone know where they were going to go? Some of us want to look into airfare.

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Wednesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at [email protected].