STILL UNDECIDED

The recent election required a great deal of decision making. Of course, there are still a small number of undecided people out there.  I don’t mean about the election —it’s too late for that. I mean whether they are going to waste their time finishing this article.

 I let my wife make half the decisions in our home. We both agree that this fosters a better relationship and makes for a happier marriage. She told me to say that.

 “Dick, I decided to change our next vacation.  Instead of the Bahamas we are now going to cruise Antarctica.”

 “Gee, don’t you think I should have been consulted on that decision?”

 “Everything evens out in the end. When you change the oil, I let you decide on the brand.  So, when I change our vacation plans, we are even. For example, I know you have expressed feelings on the milk I bring home from the supermarket.

 “Yes, I prefer 2 percent to 1 percent.”

 “See? Now you made another big decision today. A good marriage is based on both of us making an equal number of choices.  I have to rush off now and pick up the new car I decided we’re getting for you.  To be fair, tonight you can pick out which re-run of Law and Order we will watch. This is why we have been together for 44 years.

 Quite frankly, I don’t really like making decisions. I hate the pressure. Last Sunday, for example, I was in the kitchen deciding on breakfast. Should I pop an English muffin in the toaster to see if green mold is flammable, or run out to the store to get some fresh bagels?

 Bagels, it is.

 Which car to take? If I take my car, I have to get gas, but if I take my wife’s car, she’ll ask me to stop at the car wash. And there, they always ask me what kind of freshener I want. Another decision.

 I head for the bagel shop in my wife’s Prius. Nuts. She is also low on gas. Will it be Shell or Marathon? Marathon is usually cheaper, but at Shell I have had more luck with the lottery tickets.

 I pick Shell. Okay, now I have 25 lottery tickets to choose from. More decisions. Anything but that stupid crossword puzzle scratch-off.

 Now which bagel shop? There are three places to buy bagels near my house: Bearded Bagel, Panera Bread, and Einstein Bros. I started to break into a sweat. I hadn’t planned for this outing to be so stressful.

 I’m no genius, but I opt for Einstein.

 Things got worse. What kind of bagels did I want? (Blueberry, garlic, poppyseed, asiago, to name a few.) One of each, I said.  Did I want a shmear on them? There were 12 choices, which gave me about 144 options, if I bought a dozen. No toppings. Did I want them sliced? Yes, slice half of them.  My anxiety was building. Then I stared at the coffee choices. I decide no coffee. I was jumpy enough.

 I had a headache. I needed a pharmacy. CVS or Walgreens?  This was easy. They are both pretty adept at over-the-counter meds.

 I went to CVS and requested something for my throbbing head.

 “Bayer, Tylenol, Advil, Motrin, or Aleve?” asked the druggist.

 This was too much for me. I headed home. It was time to see what my new car looked like.