Isolation in Retirement & The Ladder

By Bonnie Zickgraf, Snr. Pastor (Ret); BSN, RN

There are those among us who live alone throughout the year, but during the holidays, being “single” by any cause (divorce, or the loss of a loved one…or even by choice) can still be especially tough, lonely, and downright depressing!

I became a widow six years ago after almost forty years of marriage. The heartbreak of grief is not a journey I’d wish for anyone. Let’s face it. Loss can be grueling whether from the loss of a friend, a family member, a partner, a pet, a job, or a home…hurt can run deep! Despair can creep in and become overwhelming. Sometimes we’re thrown into a situation beyond our control or not by any of our own doing, but by the ways of this world. Yet…here we are.

And during the dark times, we can find ourselves in isolation. Even on days when we feel “okay”, we become…. “eh”.  Ambivalent towards life as we crawl our way back to “a new normal”.

(Oh, how I disliked that phrase! Not sure why. Maybe because it sounded like “work”. I was never “normal” to begin with! How can I go back to where I’ve never been in the first place?)

On the other hand, being occasionally isolated can be refreshing! Think about this. As a single person, I can drink directly out of my own milk carton while the refrigerator door stands wide open without anyone making a single comment.  I don’t need to be concerned about playing my “oldies” music too loud. Besides, I never heard that the Rolling Stones changed their name to “Strolling Bones” because of their maturity status. Who said they were old?

I can unashamedly watch reruns of the original Law and Order TV show for the tenth time as the sole Supreme Commander over the remote control. I can even walk around the house quite scantily if I choose to do so. Yes, I confess, I boldly run outside to feed my birds sometimes wearing a purple top with green pajama bottoms and hot pink slippers. I’m not really excentric. I’m…just…single and… I am alone. Or… am I?

Yes, we do seem to pray more about the topic of loneliness as the holidays approach. Being alone is one thing. Feeling lonely in isolation is quite another. Yet today, I experienced the surprising and faithful ways of God. I’d like to share this brief, true-to-life incident with you. And it all happened right here in Noblesville, Indiana!

As a bit of background, I recently retired after working the past sixty years of my life. I wasn’t sure full retirement was meant for me. I occasionally felt lonely and “lost”, so I prayed quite a bit for God’s guidance, yet His answer always seemed to be the same. “Rest and receive deep joy.”

I prayed that I heard Him right…that He didn’t really mean, “Deep rest” and receive joy. I know the time clock of this life isn’t held directly in my hands. God knows I’m not quite ready for the “deep rest” part, either. So again, I prayed for guidance and wisdom to learn the clear path that God wants me to take in retirement. What in the world was God trying to tell me now?

I must say… I’m so very glad we have a patient God! He knows I can be a slow learner. I ask that He speak to me every day to show me this “new normal retirement”. In fact, my relationship with Him has grown much deeper since becoming a widow.  Jesus is my sparkle and my treasure, especially since reading Matthew 6:21, “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” (NLT)

This is not to say we must be single or old or anything else to have a relationship with our divine Creator. We just need a heart that’s open enough to receive Him and, at least for me, to be still enough to get close and to hear Him.

We can do this through prayer. So, again I prayed. What exactly is this “deep joy” He continues to tell me about? What do I need to do next to please God in my “new normal” road of retirement?

God…do you hear my prayers in my isolation and my loneliness?

Then I finally heard Him speak through the people at worship in Noblesville today. Here is what I heard.

During the “Children’s Moment” shared with the kids by the altar, the Director of Children’s Ministries spoke to the numerous “wee ones” about forgiveness and how we must forgive to find our sparkle and joy.

(Wait . . . did she just say finding our “sparkle and joy”?)

A few minutes later, the main message given by the Director of Youth Ministry reflected on the gospel of Luke 1:68-79, which focused on forgiveness and “doing enough” for God. Wait…did he just say . . . ?)

Then with the help of the youth group, a 10-foot-tall ladder was hauled to the front of the sanctuary. The Director proceeded to climb up and down this ladder over and over again to explain the up-and-down path of life while trying to earn God’s favor and salvation.

When the speaker felt he was ‘doing good” in life for God, the pastor climbed up the ladder. When he veered off the path or away from God, he climbed back down the ladder. (I’d have to watch the YouTube re-runs of the sermon to find the exact number of times he climbed up and down that ladder, but he definitely wore himself out. We can all do this in our own lives, can’t we?

We become exhausted from trying to hear God’s plan for us, possibly missing the message at all. And when we miss God’s message, we begin to feel lonely or retreat into deeper isolation. We might feel ambivalent like we don’t matter. Like our prayers aren’t being heard or answered. In our self-loathing and unforgiving ways, our belief begins to spiral down that ladder, twisting the spoken words of Jesus, “My God, my God. Why have you forsaken me”—especially during the holidays? (see Matthew 27:46, NIV).

We can never climb that ladder high enough to earn our salvation or to fully meet human perfection. We are human beings, not perfect, but always longing, always climbing. In fact, we don’t need to climb that ladder at all. I believe we were made to be “perfectly imperfect” in our walk toward righteousness and for our salvation.

Then the pastor said it! God came down that ladder to be with us through Jesus Christ. We can find this hope in 1 Peter 5:10, “ In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”

If you are lost, feeling lonely or afraid, worried, heartbroken with grief, angry, bitter, or carrying any burden at all, please talk to God about it. Pray to him in solitude. You will not feel isolated. The prayer doesn’t need to be fancy- just make it from the heart. And don’t give up. Unlike this world, God will never give up on you.

We can be in solitude or isolation, but never alone because of God’s presence. Emmanuel means “God with us”, plain and simple. No doubt about it.

He hears every prayer, and every prayer is answered in His time and in His way. He will make your path clear for the glory of the Kingdom. You are God’s child, fully forgiven, and always loved.

Yes, I received deep joy today when I heard God speak through His people. How blessed we are to have a loving and caring God that wants to stay connected to us. He doesn’t like isolation either and we don’t need a ladder to reach Him. Just a prayer.

And one final note. I got home from church to find a gift left on my porch from a Secret Santa. Here is a picture. Do you see the name on the pancake syrup?

“Sparkle syrup!” Seriously? Glory to God! I can’t make this stuff up!

Yes indeed, God surely speaks, and His words are sweet! He is here and we are never alone.

Bonnie Zickgraf is a retired pastor and Registered Nurse, with over 25 years in mental health nursing and health plan accreditation industries.