ROAMING AROUND

                                 By Dick Wolfsie (September 5, 1964)

The state of New York has directed the New Rochelle High School history department that world history classes begin with the Roman Empire. Most teachers either conveniently forget this directive or shamelessly distort it. The truth is that Rome fell due to a traffic problem.

(This is a pretty good start. Reference to what was happening in the school system. Also, a good tease to the story.)

In the year 478 B.C., the problem created by thousands of chariots was unbearable. Maximus Speedlimit attempted the first solution to the problem—the license plate. Although many generals applauded the idea, the problem remained. Since Roman numerals were used exclusively, the plates were so long that everybody went into the snow plowing business.

(I should mention here that it hardly ever snows in Rome, and there was no Roman Empire in 478 BC. Also, Mary Ellen told me no one would get that joke. I wish she had told me that 61 years ago.

Unable to cope with the traffic problem, one famous general invented the parking meters, but soldiers wearing those funny skirts had no pockets for coins and often had their chariots towed away.

(If I had that Google machine, I would have known that these skirts were called pteruges.)

The Romans then invented the stop sign. Traffic never moved. Romans waited for the sign to say GO. As you can see, nothing helped. They revoked all junior licenses and painted a white line down the Apian Way. They started breeding horses with less car power.

(Not a bad joke. I like that one.)

Finally, in the year 476, the Romans pleaded to their friends, The Huns, for help.

“Dear Huney,” Maximus wrote, “Please come to our aid.” The Huns’ plan called for an unmarked chariot to catch traffic offenders, but when that did not work, they decided to march to Rome. They were then confused by the funny-shaped signs telling them to stop. They were frightened by a brigade of snow plows, and the white line down the Apian Way confused them.

Soon, their friendliness returned to hostility. They saw slave girls standing near the meters.  Some of the generals thought that for a few coins, the girls would go somewhere and park with them. This misunderstanding touched off the Gallic War.

To sum up, our teachers are directed to teach that wars have an economic or political cause. This war didn’t, so history teachers are creating a false curriculum to adhere to all state requirements. It’s all baloney. The real cause was traffic.

(I know the column isn’t very funny, now.  Not even then. I wonder if I have improved as a writer over 61 years. When Bob sent me the article, he mentioned reading my stuff weekly on the Internet.   “You haven’t changed,” he said. “You’re the same Dick Wolfsie you’ve always been.”

Well, I guess that answers my question.