ROLLING IN DOUGH!!!!

I witnessed a miracle at our church this morning. Unitarians do not, as a rule, believe in miracles, although starting our service on time is about as close as we ever get.

Each Sunday, a select group of congregants (a word few of us ever use) are assigned to bring snacks for the worshippers (another seldomly used word). We often get a wonderful selection of treats, including deviled eggs (the only time we think about the devil) and angel food cake, a term only applied to the children of our members, who we dearly love.

So, what was the miracle? Becky, one of the new members, brought a box of Dunkin’ Munchkins, and three of those tiny morsels were jelly-filled.

So, what in heaven’s name was the miracle? The miracle was that I had been asking for jelly-filled donut holes for the past several years at more than five Dunkin’ locations in Indianapolis, but they were never available.

I have a long history of loving certain products that the manufacturers stopped making. I was hooked on Hebrew National Light Franks. One website published a survey that said they were the number one tasting hot dog in America. They were also 100% Kosher. If they were only 99% Kosher, they would not be Kosher.  Yes, that’s the way it works. By the way, I can’t remember now if they were called “lite” or “light,” franks, but I am usually rite about spelling mistakes.

My list of disappointments is endless. Meijer stopped making their coleslaw at the deli counter. It was the only slaw I enjoyed.  My hopes were shredded. And Kroger stopped making their cucumber/tomato/onion salad, which was incredibly delicious and healthy. Then, Marsh stopped making…everything.

Not one company called me before making any of these decisions. I did call the Hebrew National headquarters. They didn’t have a complaint department. They called it the kvetching hotline. Not a single person had a clue why they stopped making Light Franks. They do make “reduced fat” franks, but they reduced the fat too much, and I was reduced to not buying them. One woman gave me some double-talk about marketing and sales and had an alternative suggestion for me to try. “What about our baloney?” she asked. I had already heard enough of her baloney, so I hung up.

Back to those Munchkins. Disappointed they weren’t available, I went to each location and asked why they didn’t carry them anymore. Here are the responses I got.

1: They were not very popular, so we stopped making them.

2: They were too popular, so we always ran out. That made customers angry.

3: There was too much labor involved. You know, getting that jelly in the dough. And some of our employees hated needles.

There should have been some corporate talking points for their explanations. I called their headquarters in Canton, Mass.

In our conversation, the man I talked to injected into the conversation the phrases “Spherical Delight,” “Balls of Heaven,” and “Marvelous Morsels.” He also gave me a brief history of the product and recounted their research that showed that when the product was first called a donut hole, it sold poorly. When they called it a Munchkin, it was much more popular.

Finally, the rep admitted there was one person at Dunkin’ headquarters who knew absolutely everything about donuts. He was a genius. So, next time I’m in the Boston area and want to know more about Munchkins, I’m off to see The Wizard.