Bubba Outflanks the System

As if the debacle that Indiana property taxes have become weren’t enough, Gov. Mike Braun doubled down and sent a press release touting how wonderful his first 100 days in office were.

Then, President Trump starts talking about a third term. Granted, out of 45 men who have served in that office, not having the ability to run for a third term only applies to 14 of them (the 22^nd Amendment wasn’t ratified until 1951 when Harry Truman was in office).

And THEN, Trump had to comment on due process. I’m not sure if half the stuff he says scares me to death or makes me laugh because I think (hope) he’s just messing with the left.

As the TV guys says, wait! That’s not all. I got my new property assessment in the mail and, you guessed it, the value of my property rose faster than a 16-year-old on the way to the ‘fridge after school.

The phone rang.

“This here’s Dick Clark, spinning the hits from the ‘60s and ‘70s,” a twangy voice practically yelled in my ear. “You sir are the winner in our Name That Tune contest. If you can tell us who sang 1927 Kansas City you win an iPod Nano!”

Twangy voice? Dick Clark passed away more than a decade ago? iPod Nano? The perfect next thing in an already crappy day . . .

“Hello Bubba. What can I do for you – and it was Mike Reilly.”

“Dang Timmons,” Bubba shot back. “How do you always figure out it’s me and how the heck did you know that song? You must be one of the savannahs or something.”

“Savant.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.”

“Listen, Timmons, you seem abscessed with the politicians and property tax.”

“Obsessed.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.”

“Anyways, you is going about this all wrong. You ain’t never going to get politicians to do the right thing. It ain’t in their GPA.”

“DNA.”

“Huh?”

“Aw Geez Bubba. NEVER MIND!.”

“What you got to do is what me and Gumball, Tater and Big Country did to get comfortable chairs here at the Crawl-On-Inn.”

For those who haven’t been there, the Crawl-On-Inn is a low-rent, hole-in-the-wall bar out somewhere near Bowers, Kirkpatrick, Colfax and Clarks Hill. I’ve been there once but not sure I could find it again. Like any bar it has stools, but there are small tables scattered about and the chairs have flat wood seats and thin iron rods as the backrest. There is nothing comfortable about it. I figure they’re that way on purpose so that patrons won’t stay very long and will move out – not that there’s a crowd waiting there.

“You see, Elvis (the bartender and owner, I presume?) is tighter than a size small exercise pants on a double-wide fat guy on a bicycle. So we knew we’d never talk him into forking over the bucks for cushiony chairs. Heck, we didn’t even try. Instead, we outflanked him.”

“You what?”

“We went to Bambi.”

Bambi is the part-time waitress at the bar who also drives a truck part-time. She has a certain way with everyone that is hard to describe. Effective, but hard to describe.

It became clear Bubba wasn’t going to explain.

“OK, Bubba. I’ll play your silly game. Why did you go to Bambi?”

“It’s elementary, my dear Timmons,” Bubba said – his twang sounding nothing like Sherlock Holmes. “We told Bambi that those hard chairs was hurting her tips. You see, those chairs are so uncomfortable so peoples don’t tend to stick around very long. If they don’t stay long, they don’t order second or third drinks. They don’t order dessert. So the bill is less and that means the tip is less. Get better chairs, get better tips.”

I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea that the Crawl-On-Inn had desserts.

“We knew Bambi would get after Elvis and wouldn’t let it go. Took about two weeks, but we walked in one morning and there was new chairs all around.

“You see, Timmons. That’s what you got to do. Forget going to the politicians. Be smarter. You can do it.”

For once, Bubba didn’t hang up laughing and howling. “Y’all have a nice day now.” Click. He was gone.

I wonder if Bambi ever goes to Indianapolis?

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Wednesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at [email protected].