Dick Wolfsie Plays Name Game  

Do you love your first name or did your parents saddle you with a label that is making your life miserable? As I have reported in the past, my first name has been the source of many tawdry remarks. Once in fact, I was denied membership at a local golf venue because I had the temerity to enter my nickname on the company’s website. I have a brother named Peter. He would also have been banned from this place. What was my mother thinking? Don’t answer that.

 New research suggests that your name can serve as either a boost or a burden to your social, business and educational success. In one study, teachers were asked to grade three identical essays, but attached to these stories were different names.  The research found that students with “normal” names like Susan and David scored higher than those with “unusual” names like Bertha and Elroy. As a former teacher, I resented the implication of this study. In all my years in education, I was never partial to anyone due to his or her name, with the exception of a guy named Slash and a girl named Bordello.  I should have flunked them because if their parents didn’t worry about their future, why should I? 

 With the help of Google and Facebook, I have tried to track what has happened to some of my former students with uncommon names. For example, I discovered that a kid named Broderick, who I had in class, spent time in a federal prison. How strange; she seemed like such a sweet girl.

 I have no problem with unique names as long as they aren’t a source of derision. I once knew someone named Robyn Banks. In this case, it’s the parents who should be arrested. I’d throw them in the clink with the parents of Doug Graves. My favorite was the guy from Wyoming who lived across the hall from me at George Washington University: Duane Pipe. Oh, and I knew a girl named Rose Thorne. But that was her married name. Do you think this dawned on her before she said “I do.” I did see in the wedding section in the Star the marriage of Bill Sapp and Jenny Poore. Hyphenating her name was not an option.

  My biggest gripe is when parents take a perfectly good name and decide that the normal rules of spelling that have evolved over the past 300 years should no longer apply. I once signed an autograph picture for a seven-year-old who said his name was Christopher. When I returned the photo, he indignantly informed me that his name was spelled K R I S TA F A H. I was tempted to report his parents to the authorities.  This kid’s name will be misspelled his whole life. I figured my friend over at Child Protective Services would be pretty sympathetic. His name is Geoff.

 I’m also not a big fan of how guys’ names can be morphed into girls’ names. This came about in the old days when the patriarch of the family wanted a boy and was a bit disappointed with the new family addition. So, Frederick became Fredricka and Robert morphed into Roberta. I was once madly in love with a girl named Georgette. I guess her father wasn’t looking for a girl. But that was precisely what I was looking for.

Dick Wolfsie is a retired TV personality, author, speaker, teacher and all-around good guy. His award-winning column appears here weekly. If you’d like to learn more  about joining Dick on an upcoming trip to Costa Rica, go to this paper’s website and click on the Collette Travel ads.