Butch’s List of High Paying Part-Time Jobs

   The economy is improving, but it is still sometimes a struggle to make ends meet. Even if you have a steady, good paying job, a part-time job may be in the works. Can’t find one? Well, I am here to help! Listed below are a few part-time jobs that are not only easy, but also pay quite well…

1. Department of Homeland Security guard at the local Social Security office … If you enjoy receiving a big salary and not doing anything all day, this job is right down your alley. You get to wear a badge and carry a gun to guard against any vicious old people who try to force their way in without proper ID and steal blank social security cards. Snatch their canes and put them in a headlock. That will teach them a lesson!
2. Professional gambler … Fun, fun, fun! Borrow a wad of cash from all the “friendly” bankers here in town and head to the casino. Take all of your good luck charms. Play the slot machines and try everything that looks exciting. Try the delicious smorgasbord and sip the mixed drinks. And when three 7s appear and the light starts flashing, collect tons and tons of Ben Franklins! Now, if you happen to lose all of your money, hitch a ride back home and apply for that French fry specialist job at Mickey D’s. I’m lovin’ it!
3. Bank robber … Easy money and also exciting! Just buy a gun and a mask (a COVID mask is preferred so as not to tip people off), casually walk up to the teller, and demand all of the money in the vault. You might as well take their jewelry while you’re at it. Hide out for a couple of days in Chicago, where criminals are always welcome. You could be the next John Dillinger! However, do not take your girlfriend to the Biograph Theater.
4. Politician … This can be a great paying part-time job, but first you must get elected. Lie about your qualifications. Make promises you cannot keep. Suck up to rich people and groups who will donate to your campaign. But after you are elected, it’s all worth it. No more work. Just a few appearances in public, give some interviews and lie a tad more, and vote favorably on anything that will guarantee you more votes in the next election. Propose new laws in which you can obtain kickbacks, too. Simple!
5. Surrogate mother … Another great paying part-time job, and you’re also doing a good deed by helping women who cannot have children on their own. However, you can only do this so many years. After giving birth to 25 or 30 kids, you likely will need a girdle (or possible a horse belly strap), a long rest and a lifetime supply of Depends. Then just lay on the beach, drink martinis and count your dough.
6. Psychiatrist … Do you act crazy at times? Talk to yourself? Hallucinate on a regular basis? Perfect! You can become a part-time psychiatrist and help people just like yourself. It takes one to know one. There is no shortage of nutcases. And maybe you can write a book or start you own TV show like Dr. Phil. The pay is phenomenal for a just one or two hours a day.
7. Unemployed person … OK, I know this is not a real job. But it is the easiest. You literally don’t have to do anything all day. Watch TV, smoke, drink beer, munch on snacks, read magazines and Harlequin romance books, walk around town and see the sights and just plain fiddle around until bedtime. And the government will pay you! Is this country great or what?
8. Daycare owner for Somali immigrants … If you want to make really big money, move to Minnesota, start up a fake Somali daycare. Gov. Tim Walz will give you the funds … no strings attached! No work, no headaches, no hassle. You’ll have it made in the shade.

Now this should give you a few choices to consider if you are on a tight budget and need a part-time occupation. Good luck, and you can thank me later.

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 37 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.