HORSING AROUND!!

Did you enjoy the Super Bowl? I’m not a big football fan, so when I watched the game, I tried to distract myself with other things. I don’t knit, collect stamps, or play games on my phone. So, what did I do?

Because my column is published in several papers throughout the Midwest, including a senior publication in South Dakota, I receive a copy every month.  I was leafing through it during the game. As I prepared myself with chips, salsa, and mini egg rolls, an article in the newspaper caught my eye.  South Dakota has outdone Indiana in legislative innovation. A new law in the Mount Rushmore state resolves that while authorities will lock you up for driving your Chevy pickup after downing six pints of hard lemonades, it is now perfectly legal to ride your tricycle down Main Street even after having several Bloody Marys. Or is it Bloody Maries? Maybe Bloodies Mary? (Cathy, my proofreader, please help me out here.)

In an attachment to the bill, it is also legal in South Dakota to get completely looped as long as you ride home on your mustang and not in your Mustang. Let me translate all this: You can be drunk on your horse or on your bike, but not in your car.

Why are Indiana lawmakers wasting time arguing about the I-69, ISTEP, taxes and zoning rules, while more progressive states have figured out the kind of legislative action that truly benefits the average citizen 

I hope they pass a law like that here in Indiana because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a few too many over at my favorite trough, then stupidly drove home in my Dodge Colt instead of getting my Clydesdale out of the garage.

In South Dakota, this law faced some criticism. Many Dakotans argued that some locals actually imbibe with their horses, and while most of the horses can handle their liquor, many of the less refined breeds—like Pintos—get pretty wrecked after just one glass of Merlot.  If you’re driving behind a Pinto, be very cautious. I hope this warning is not too late.

According to lawmakers who pushed the bill through, there have been some setbacks. In one instance, a rider who was apparently intoxicated caused a four-car pile-up by galloping his horse through a red light. After a breathalyzer test, it was found that the rider was sober. However, the horse was tipsy. The horse refused the breathalyzer test and had to appear in court. The horse’s lawyer claimed that the bartender who gave his client the fifth glass of ChardonNAY should also be held responsible. The bartender said it was hard for him to refuse a customer with such a long face, which shows that while wine may get better with age, some old jokes remain just as bad.

Well, the Super Bowl just concluded. After reading this, you might wonder if it’s a good idea to write a humor column while paying attention to a sporting event at the same time. Look on the bright side: If the Colts had been in the Super Bowl, I would have watched more carefully, and this column would have been even more lame.