Butch Knows Who to Call When Dastardly Thieves Strike

   You had a rough day at work. All you want to do is hightail it home, have a bite to eat, grab a drink and some chips and watch your favorite MLB team play on that new 54-inch high definition TV you purchased last week at Best Buys. But wait . . . the front door is open . . . things are strung out all over the house . . . and your new TV is gone! You’ve been ripped off by a ******** thief! Now what do you do?

  Of course you must call the police. They will catch the thief and find your TV. Right? Well . . . maybe, maybe not. As a former police officer, I can tell you that despite how much time and effort they put in on a theft case, only slightly more than 25 percent of those cases are solved. The police will look for evidence . . . fingerprints, tire tracks, items left behind by the thief, etc. They will interview your neighbors, check with local pawn shops, and see if any cameras may have captured the thief coming or going. But most police departments are short-handed, and those dedicated officers also have to deal with accidents, disturbances and many other types of crimes . . . quite a few much more serious than the theft of a TV. So now what?

   Hold on little buddy, there is an answer. There are two people you can call, both of whom are experienced and reliable crime solving experts . . .yes, that’s right . . . Batman and Superman. You have seen these two on TV and in the movies. They will get the job done. Try Batman first because you also get Robin’s help . . . two for the price of one! Batman knows that there are only four people who could have swiped your new televison . . . The Joker, Penguin, Riddler and Catwoman . . . all easy to spot. They wear very strange clothing . . . like some of the people you see at Wal-Mart. Batman will round them up, interrogate each one and have a confession in no time. WHAM! ZAP! KABOOM! Holy Smoke, Batman!

   OK, now what if Batman and Robin are vacationing in the Bahamas? No problem. Just call the greatest superhero of all time . . . “faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound . . . Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Superman!” Now, you don’t want the “new” Superman . . . no, you want the original TV Superman . . . George Reeves. As Clark Kent, a mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, he fooled everyone. His only disguise was a pair of glasses and they didn’t even have lens in them! Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen never could figure it out. His Superman outfit is under his suit so he just ducks into a nearby room for a quick change, jumps out the window, and flies around town, using his special X-ray vision to see through walls and spot your TV, nab the thief and turn the crook over to Inspector Henderson. Case solved! 

   So grab that drink and snacks, relax in your recliner and watch your favorite team whallop the Los Angeles Dodgers. If your favorite team is the Rockies, don’t call Superman. The Rockies lost 119 times last year. Yes, Superman can bend steel with his bare hands. He can change the course of mighty rivers. But he can’t work every miracle.

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 37 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.