New Tax Has Everyone On a Roll

Have you heard the latest out of Washington? Apparently Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff, Chuck Schumer, AOC and a bunch of others have passed a Special High Inventory Tax on toilet paper.

Toilet paper?

Toilet paper!

The Special High Inventory Tax goes into effect April 1 and adds $100 to every package of four rolls or more.

“This overreaction on toilet paper is directly the fault of the irresponsible actions taken by Donald Trump,” a press release issued by House and Senate Democrats said. “We regret having to dump this on the American public, but we know that they know that we know that this is not our fault but rather the direct outcome for when Americans exercised their freedoms and vote for that awful man in the oval office.”

When asked later if that meant Democrats were blaming the American people, Pelosi was quick to respond.

“No, not at all. The majority of Americans voted for Joe Biden, uh, I mean Kamala Harris . . . so this isn’t their fault at all. If we weren’t using such an archaic and outdated method of electing the president, Joe, uh, I mean Kamala would be in power now.”

Of course not all Democrats were united on the proposal.

“This is outrageous,” failed presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said. “While I respect and agree with my esteemed colleagues in the House that we can blame Donald Trump for this problem, I do feel that a $100 tax is not fair and that instead we should be giving away toilet paper to everyone who needs any – and since that is pretty much everyone, then we should punish the makers of toilet paper for their greed and selfishness for not already choosing to give it all away.”

“But if those companies gave away their products, how would they pay their employees?” a reporter from Fox News asked.

“Let those fat cats in the corner offices pay them out of their obscene salaries,” Sanders said. “Those self-indulgent millionaires own two, three homes and can afford to give up some of their salaries.”

“But Bernie, aren’t you a millionaire and don’t you own three homes?” the reporter asked.

Sanders appeared to have not heard the question as he climbed into his waiting limousine.

Back in Washington, House Democrats emphatically denied that there were other penalties being considered.

“Hoarding is a concern,” Pelosi told a group of reporters. “We know that Democrats would not hoard so the problem, as most problems, begins and ends with Donald Trump.”

One addendum to the bill had opponents on a roll. Through a bipartisan effort, legislators from both sides of the aisle agreed they would exempt themselves from the tax.

“We deal with enough Special High Inventory Tax,” one anonymous Republican said.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. A similar version of this was wiped off in 2020. But instead of being flushed away, it has resurfaced again today. It’s one of the few things voters agreed with, especially when the acronym-crazy world in Washington figured out the true meaning behind another April Fool’s story.

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Wednesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at ttimmons@thepaper24-7.com