Butch Has Suggestions For Republicans In Tough Times

OK, you conservative Republicans out there…times are tough…inflation, high gas prices, the war in Ukraine, Covid-19, rampant crime, biased media, racial strife, and on and on. Maybe you’re depressed…trouble falling asleep…upset stomach…nerves shot…or even something much, much worse…your spouse is also depressed and is never “in the mood” any more…Oooh, bummer! I know you need relief, and some of you may even want the Orange Man back, but you’ll have to wait. But have no fear. Relax. I have come up with a list of things you can do to brighten up your day, shake those doldrums, and improve your attitude. So here goes….

1. Go for a walk. Take your time. Walk like Joe Biden…you know..take itty bitty steps like Tim Conway’s “old man” character on the old Carol Burnett Show. A walk around the block will take three hours and make you feel tired so you can take a “nappy” every afternoon like ol’ Joe.

2. Write a nice letter to someone. In fact, write a thank you letter to Hillary Clinton. Tell her how much you appreciate her running against Donald Trump in 2016, because if Donald had been up against an honest and decent Democratic candidate with morals, he might have lost the election. Be sure to beg Hillary to run again in 2024.

3. Need more money? Speak to a crowd about the dangers of climate change. That mean-spirited Swedish teenager, Greta Thunberg…you know…the one with a long history of mental health issues, did just that…and now she is a millionaire! Be sure to throw two or three temper tantrums during each speech.

4. Take NFL “has-been” Colin Kaepernick out some night to a local bar. Tell him how much you admire him. Get him good and drunk until he passes out. Then take some hair clippers and shear a patch about three inches wide right down the middle of his noggin…that’s it. Dress him up in a clown suit and dump him off at the nearest police station. He can post his own bail…after all, Nike gave him $22 million for kneeling during the National Anthem.

5. Go meet Dr. Anthony Fauci. Shake his hand and kiss him on the cheek. Tell him how much you appreciated all of his expert opinion on Covid. Then ask him if there is an easy cure (and if should you wear a mask) for the Black Plague…as you were just diagnosed with it. Watch his reaction…it will be hilarious!

Some other ideas…just for fun….Send Nancy Pelosi a “Foxy Lady Reject” sweatshirt. Sign up with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for a remedial kindergarten-level economics class. Head down to Beto O’Rourke’s ranch and shoot gophers with an AR-15. Buy Bernie Sanders and Gavin Newsom one-way tickets to Russian Siberia. Challenge Elizabeth Warren to a Native American tomahawk fight. Sneak up to John Kerry’s mansion and place bumper stickers on his private jet and yacht (“America’s Biggest Hypocrite” and “I Love Iran”). And speaking of Iran, invite the Ayatollah to your kid’s birthday party, and tell him to be sure to wear his stupid looking hat so the children can turn it over and play cornhole. Call up Bill Clinton…disguise your voice…and inform him that you have a photo of him paying off Jeffrey Epstein’s killer…and then hang up. (NOTE: You might want to consider hiring a personal bodyguard if you do this.)

Now if you don’t even want to think about politicians and celebrities, there are alternatives…things you can do to relieve tension, such as: Run naked through the grocery store and let out blood-curdling screams about the high price of your family’s staples…oatmeal, Ramen noodles, and Spam. Learn how to juggle bottles of Pepto-Bismol. Put on a pair of bell-bottoms and a flowered shirt and attend a PTO meeting…provide all the teachers who want to teach Critical Race Theory a doobie and give them the peace sign. Tell them to chill out because it ain’t gonna happen. What? You’re once-normal college age kids have become flaming liberals? Revoke their tuition money, and send them to Obama’s $12 million mansion at Martha’s Vineyard to see for themselves how politics really work.

Still nervous? Buy one little bottle of Jack Daniels. That’s enough. Sit back in your easy chair. Take a deep breath. Just take one tiny sip and calm down. On the other hand, the midterm elections are still eight months away. Maybe you should drive down to Lynchburg, Tennessee and buy an entire barrel.

John “Butch” Dale is a retired teacher and County Sheriff. He has also been the librarian at Darlington the past 32 years, and is a well-known artist and author of local history.