Here’s 6 Predictions For 2023 . . . Sort Of

Newspapers attract the oddest people sometimes. I have had people waltz into my office to tell me about the alien spaceship that landed in their field as well as multiple folks who said they had to remain anonymous because they uncovered the JFK conspiracy and their lives were in danger.

Still, last week, topped them all.

A bearded mystery man walked in, did not wait for an invite and promptly sat down. He had the weirdest eyes and a hat that looked like one of those poofy velvet things French painters wore in the 1500s.

He didn’t say a word, just stared at me. After an awkward moment, he reached into jacket and handed me a card.

“Michel Notadumas – Teller of Fortunes, Seer of the Future, Prognosticator Extraordinaire . . . Direct from Paris.”

And then, in very small print, after the word Paris, it said Illinois.

Inwardly I groaned. It was going to be one of those days.

“OK, Mr. Notadumas,” I tried. “What can I do for you?”

He handed me another card.

“I do not speak for I see the future. There is no need for talk.”

Alrighty then.

“Well Mr. Notadumas, if you aren’t going to talk I’m not sure what I can do for you.”

He handed me another card.

“I have a list of six predictions that are going to come true in 2023. If you agree to give me the proper credit I deserve for these, I will share them with you. If you do not agree, I will take them elsewhere.”

I should be so lucky.

I sighed. “Tell you what, Mr. Notadumas, how about you show me your list and if we use it, I will make sure to give you credit.”

He handed me a sheet of paper. On it were indeed six predictions. Mind you I am not saying I buy any of these, but a deal’s a deal so – straight from Michel Notadumas – here you go.

6. A group identified as Working On Keeping Equality – W.O.K.E. – announced that they were starting a national movement to rename Gen. Lew Wallace’s epic work, Ben-Hur to Ben-Them. When a journalist pointed out that Hur was simply a name and was even spelled differently than Her, the group replied “pronouns matter.”

5. After winning re-election to an unprecedented fourth term with more than 98 percent of the vote, Crawfordsville Mayor Todd Barton announced the city will annex everything from Shannondale to Waynetown and Linden to Parkersburg. This will eliminate the need for a county council and county commissioners. The mayor and city council will preside over everything, much like Unigov in Indianapolis.

4. W.O.K.E. also approached Wabash College and asked the school to buck 191 years of history and cease operating as an all-male institution. In a press release the school said that since W.O.K.E. identifies dozens of different sexes it just wasn’t fair to discriminate and only admit one. Anyone who was assigned male or female at birth but now identifies as anything from cisgender to transgender to non-binary (in the interest of space, we aren’t listing the other dozen or so) can now apply. Of course, they have to have at least a 3.99 GPA and a minimum 1,599 SAT score. There was some discussion about lowering those standards to a 2.0 and 799, but the Wabash trustees said DePauw already had that covered.

3. In a surprise move, after annexing the entire county, the city’s economic development czar announced that Jell-O was moving its corporate HQ and manufacturing plant to Crawfordsville Commerce Park. The move will create 1,200 new jobs. Why did they choose Crawfordsville? Well, we already had the hard steel of Nucor and the soft mattresses of Tempur Sealy, the czar explained. Jell-O seemed the perfect middle ground.

2. The Indianapolis Colts, fresh off one of the most embarrassing seasons in NFL history, announced they could not reach an agreement with the city of Indianapolis on a new lease at Lucas Oil Stadium. The team is seeking a new location and approached Crawfordsville. The city politely said no thank you.

1. And in the biggest story perhaps in human history, a new energy source was discovered in a lab at Wabash College. This energy defies common knowledge and once initiated can go on in perpetuity. It is the perfect energy source and will literally change the world. Immediately after the announcement, a concerned citizens group announced they would oppose it being placed anywhere in Montgomery County.

Michel Notadumas left my office. I doubt we ever see him again, but in the very unlikely event any of these predictions come to pass, I would usually ask that you remember you read it here first. This time, not so much.

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Wednesdays in The Paper. Timmons is the publisher of The Paper and can be contacted at [email protected].